REVIEW: Russell Madness

Right. So, the first thing we're greeted with upon starting up Russell Madness is a big logo that says "AIR BUD ENTERTAINMENT"; apparently the Air Bud brand has become so profitable, it's split off into it's own, sentient being. The fact that the studio bringing us this movie about a dog who wrestles people is named after a movie about a dog that plays basketball is about as reassuring as one would imagine; right away, Russell Madness lets us know with absolutely no pretension that we're in for some high-octane garbage.

The plot involves a Jack Russell Terrier named Russell (get it?); because he urinates on everyone, no one ever wants to take him home from the pet store. Given the amount of affection one of the pet store clerks seems to show towards the little fella, you'd think that they could be bothered to housebreak him (considering they've already gone through the trouble of giving him a terrible name), but I digress. It's during this early scene that our worst fear is confirmed; the dog talks. Not only does it talk, it's voiced by Sean Giambrone; I don't want to be mean, but this kid needs to go through puberty at least once before he ever sets foot near a microphone again. His voice sounds roughly like if June Foray were recorded on vinyl, up-pitched, and said record was scratched with a rusty needle. So yes, the dog is unpleasant to listen to. But back to what this movie calls a plot; after learning that he's basically a reject and will be sent to the pound (where all the reject dogs end up, I guess), Russell escapes through a comedic chase scene that we don't get to see for some reason (an odd editing choice I'm almost thankful for) until he eventually ends up at the historic Ferraro Wrestling Arena and wanders into the ring during a match. For some reason, this dog is really good at ricocheting off ropes, vaulting from turnbuckles, and putting grown men in chokeholds, so the family that owns the arena decides to continue endangering this animal if it means lots of profit and hits on YouTube. The story from here on is pretty much what you'd expect from a kids' movie about an underdog (get it?) athlete coming from meager beginnings.

If you guessed that an evil executive enters the picture and tries to ruin everything with a lot of fixed fights and relentless merchandising, then you're either too old or too smart to enjoy Russell Madness. The antagonist comes in the form of John Ratzenberger, playing Mick Vaughn, a character that is in no way, shape, or form meant to be a legally-safe parody of Vince McMahon. He runs the Wrestlers United Federation, also known as WUF (GET IT?); he's an evil, rich jerk who wants to take all the sport and spirit out of wrestling by making it into pure, predetermined entertainment designed to sell action figures and lunch boxes. If you can't tell already, the makers of this film really hate the WWE. I half expected to see CM Punk with a writer's credit at the end. The main human cast is composed of the family that takes Russell in; we've got the dad who kinda looks like a cross between Jeff Goldblum and Neil Gaiman, the mom who always seems to have her eyes frighteningly wide-open, the son who wears a trilby to school in one scene, and the daughter who tries to deliver snarky, self-referential dialog (but it doesn't really work out because she's, like, six). There's also a talking monkey voiced by Will Sasso. Not only is he the gruff trainer with the heart of gold, he's also the vehicle for a million and one jokes about bananas. Because I'm not sure if you're aware of this, dear reader, but monkeys enjoy bananas. The WWE's John Morrison also shows up as the WUF Title Holder, the Hammer; he's essentially some kind of hybrid of Ric Flair and Bret Hart. Unlike the audience, he seems to be having fun, so I can't really fault him for that.

If I had to say something nice about this stupid, stupid movie, it's that it's hilarious. Not in a good way, mind, but surely that has to count for something. The first time we see Russell actually fight someone is one of the most amazing scenes ever committed to film. Imagine a poorly-made dog puppet putting a huge, confused man in a choke-hold. Now imagine that this scene is played 100% straight; like, we're supposed to be invested in this dog's moment of triumph. That's what we get when we see this tiny dog hop into a wrestling ring with some giant men in stupid outfits. If you ever wanted to see a Jack Russell Terrier fight a mummy before a cheering crowd, this is the movie for you.

I almost forgot to mention, Fred Willard is in this movie, playing a wrestling commentator. Yes, he's basically doing the same thing he did in Best In Show and yes, he's still one of the best things in the movie despite his entire role being a watered-down rehash. So that's something else in the film's favor. I'm on a roll with praising this thing right now, so I'll also say I really enjoyed the subtle little running gag involving the action figure that Hunk the Monkey carries around. The joke is that this monkey has been living in this abandoned wrestling theater since the 1980's and his only company has been an action figure of a wrestler known as Il Maniac; so he carries it around and talks to it as if it's his friend. The real joke comes in when we see the action figure change poses and expressions in between shots. It's actually a pretty charming gag and it shows a level of subtlety I wouldn't have expected to see in this movie about a dog who becomes a pro wrestler. So there, a few things I actually liked about Russell Madness. On the other hand, the writing, acting, direction, cinematography, story, pacing, special effects, choreography, set design, costume design, voice acting, editing, music, and basically every other aspect of the film is complete and utter gutter trash of the highest caliber, and that I simply cannot abide.

Russell Madness is not the worst movie I've ever seen, and that is the highest compliment I can give it. That said, it is most definitely one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen. It has no reason to exist; as popular as pro wrestling is, was, and will continue to be, there was absolutely no demand for a movie about a dog that wrestles people. Hell, the climax is just two burly dudes trying to beat up a kid and his puppy. It's just so mind-numbingly idiotic, I still can't believe this is a thing that exists, let alone a thing that made it to theaters. The most shocking part is that I can almost see this working; had they dropped the sappy, hackneyed moral about family and friendship and instead made this a Josie and the Pussycats-esque parody of the WWE, this totally could have worked. I can't believe I'm sitting here saying "I wish Russell Madness from Air Bud Entertainment had taken more risks", but this is the point that this movie has brought me to. It's stupid and boring and it has absolutely nothing that justifies its existence. It is the cinematic equivalent of a squeaky fart at the dinner table; a few might find it funny because it stinks so bad, but no one's gonna care about it twenty four hours later.