I honestly don't know where to begin with this. If you had just experienced what I did, you wouldn't either. I'm one of those people that can appreciate a really bad movie. Even something like The Room has its purpose within the annals of cinematic history, even if it's just as a massive joke. But every once in a while, a film comes along that shakes this belief of mine to the core. A film that makes me question my outlook on the medium, as well as my own sanity. A film that makes The Room look like Taxi Driver. When I dove to the bottom of the Halloween Favorites category on Netflix and decided to watch A Magic Puppy, I didn't realize that I was about to watch one such film.
I hesitate to use the word "plot". The word "plot" suggests some form of structure; a story born from a writer's mind after a kind of creative spark fired through their synapses and inspired them to put pen to paper. A tale that, once imagined, simply begged to be told, to be born unto this world by way of the art of cinema. No, what A Magic Puppy has, in lieu of a plot, is an idea. Not even a good idea, but an idea nonetheless. That idea is, "Eric Roberts turns into a dog". Yes, that Eric Roberts. "Mongul from Justice League, Sal Maroni from The Dark Knight" Eric Roberts. When he's not a dog, he's wishing he was in a different movie. When he is a dog, he provides a voice-over that makes me want to buy him a hot meal. This movie serves to do nothing but make me depressed.
Every single thing here is wrong. This entire movie is an exercise in unpleasantness. I'm honestly finding it difficult to verbalize my displeasure here, this is just the worst thing I've ever watched. I wish I could just end this review at that, but I feel like it would be something of a cop-out. That raises the question, is A Magic Puppy worth the time I would spend writing a legitimate review? Is it worth your time to read whatever I write? These are the kinds of questions a person begins to ask themselves after they survive a near-death experience or watch A Magic Puppy.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that the worst thing a film can be is boring; A Magic Puppy is most definitely boring, but the filmmakers went out of their way to make sure it covers all the other worst things a film can be while they're at it. This entire movie appears to have been shot on a handheld; the frame wobbles about, the microphone picking up footsteps and ambient noise. It makes you wonder what poor fool managed the bad luck of not only being involved with this production, but also being cheaper than a tripod and an external microphone. Everyone here gives an awful performance, even the dog. The opening sequence is five solid minutes of stock Halloween music over animated clip-art and stock dog photos; several of the images are clearly just pictures of Bela Lugosi with his eyes and mouth edited out. This is the level of artistry A Magic Puppy establishes right from the get-go.
If you're wondering where Halloween comes into all of this (considering it's so prominently featured on the poster and opening credits), the movie takes place roughly around Halloween. The main kid who looks and acts just like Justin Bieber (ie. totally unappealing in every way) enjoys Halloween to the point that he's still planning to go trick-or-treating despite appearing to be in his early 20's. His girlfriend also dabbles in Paganism as a "hobby". I was going to say that the best thing I could say about this movie is that it wasn't offensive in any way, but I'd be lying. This is a picture that is constantly at war with whomever dares watch it, doing its absolute best to make the audience regret their decision to press play. The writing is clunky, redundant, and nonsensical; the only remotely strong piece of dialog is lifted wholesale out of Army of Darkness. Apparently the writer loved Army of Darkness enough to blatantly steal the "Klaatu, Verata, Necktie" bit, but not enough to properly pronounce "Necronomicon" (here referred to as "neh-crow-muh-con").
A Magic Puppy is a hateful film. Take the amateur camerawork, inane script, and lifeless performances from a mediocre porn flick, remove the sex, and add a puppy. I despise this film with everything that I am and I can't help but feel that the film feels the same way about me. Only something with a malevolent consciousness could have wrought such a film upon the world. If you're looking to hurt yourself this Halloween, skip the razor-bladed candy apples and just watch A Magic Puppy.
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