Sir Sean Connery has what I believe must be a fascinating thought process. The man is one of the most iconic actors of all time, yet he says no to The Lord of the Rings, says yes to The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and then finally decides that this is to be his final role before retirement. The first computer-generated animated feature to come out of Connery's native Scotland, Sir Billi (renamed Guardian of the Highlands for its 2014 US release, in what is no way an attempt to cash in on the brand recognition of Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy), a film about a cantankerous old bastard and his cloying animal pals attempting to save a beaver from both a raging river and some kind of animal-themed Gestapo officer.
The film opens with a bleak prologue in which we see Scottish police officers rounding up invasive beavers in order to ship them back from whence they came. I'm not entirely certain if beavers are native to Scotland or not, but an invasive species presents a serious problem to whatever ecosystem they've found themselves in; it's the reason why cane toads have become the natural enemy of the entire continent of Australia. If a non-native population of wild beavers is springing up in Scotland, then they've got to go, for the sake of the local environment. You'd think that a veterinarian like Sir Billi (Connery) would understand the necessity to protect local wildlife, but apparently relocating beavers is a worse crime than potential ecological collapse.
Flash forward to five years later and the animal control officer is still hunting Bessie Boo the beaver like Javert on Valjean. The tiny beaver has since been adopted by a family of rabbits who enjoy taunting and abusing her for being a flat-tailed freak; it was about around the time that they force her to compete in a Ben-Hur-esque log chariot death sport that I began to realize that this movie is actually kind of mean-spirited. After said death sport goes horribly wrong, the tiny beaver, her obnoxious rabbit brother, and her adoptive rabbit mom are sent floating downriver. Once he receives word that this tragedy has occurred, Sir Billi does the only rational thing imaginable. He rallies the entire population of his small village, including a duck who flies an airplane, to rescue these three small animals (one of whom is a beaver, and as such should not need to be rescued from a river).
When I say this movie is unpleasant, I don't simply mean in the visual sense. Sure, the animation on display here is sub-Jimmy Neutron, but I honestly mean it when I say that this is an offensively feel-bad film. There's numerous scenes where characters lament the very likely possibility that someone ends up dead, often with an accompanying stream of tears. The only member of the rabbit family who could be described as "kind" bashes her head on a rock after falling off a cliff into a river; her unconscious body floats downstream like a soiled mattress before washing up on the shoreline. When Sir Billi and his goat, Gordon (who is inexplicably dressed as Bruce Lee from Game of Death and even more inexplicably voiced by Alan Cumming) find her body washed on shore, we're treated to an extended sequence where the fluffy cartoon bunny (described as bleeding from the ears) fears she may have suffered spinal trauma, possibly resulting in her being paralyzed from the waist down.
Aside from all the bleak peril these critters are put through, there's also the unmistakable undercurrent of xenophobia the film seems to display without a hint of shame. At one point, one of Billi's neighbors, a vapid, loudmouthed (and creepily sexualized) bimbo from America, introduces our protagonist to her equally vapid (and even moreso sexualized) sister, freshly arrived from New York. "Another Yank," laments the Alan Cumming goat, "how will we cope?!"
To which Sir Billi replies, "How do these people get visas?! THAT'S the problem with this country, you know!"
If you've ever wanted to see an animated romp starring that one relative who brings up politics after a few too many drinks at Thanksgiving, then Guardian of the Highlands is the movie for you. Thankfully, the decrepit old Billi ends up hooking up with the bustier of the two American skanks by the end of the film (as his daughter looks on admirably), so at least he's not ENTIRELY against damn filthy Yankees encroaching on his proud, Scottish moors. But why stop at stereotyping Americans? Our secondary antagonist speaks with an obvious British accent as he refuses Billi's request to shut down the turbines in his invasive hydroelectric dam (since said turbines could easily turn the wee beaver into a fine, furry paste). He, of course, refuses because THINK OF THE MONEY. In addition to our dim-witted, plastic Americans and our intrusive, bourgeoisie British man, we also have a sassy duck with a Southern accent who enjoys monologuing to herself from inside her airplane. For instance, this charming, unedited snippet from when she spots a Russian nuclear submarine (which definitely wasn't shoehorned into the plot solely for the sake of a hamfisted The Hunt for Red October joke):
"Now honey, I knew I flew a little off-course to end up here, but yo' asses SERIOUSLY bumpin' in the WRONG waters! Don't they teach you REDS GE-OGRAPHY?"
I can't imagine what the nation of Russia did to this duck to inspire such a fierce loyalty to the mindset and nomenclatures of the Red Scare, but I'm sure it would make for a more compelling story than that of a beaver floating down a river. Everything about this film is just gormless and charmless in a fascinating way; I found myself almost eagerly waiting for the next horrid surprise. After Sir Billi hits a rabbit with his car, he chastises the creature for getting in his way and almost "causing an accident". When the beaver-hunting officer arrives in Billi's village, he takes him aside like a mafia goon, explaining that he's in BILLI'S town and that he'd better move along if he keeps acting funny. When the officer meekly slinks off to resume his quest for beaver, Billi regrets being too old to outright kick the guy's ass for no reason. It's baffling, our protagonist is the bad guy from Hot Fuzz, only with more talking animal friends and sick skateboard moves.
Guardian of the Highlands is a thoroughly unpleasant experience. Sir Billi will go down in history as the perplexing final role of one of the most famous leading men in cinematic history; he who was once James Bond and Henry Jones Sr is now a potato-shaped old crank, quick to judge and eager to resort to violence, intimidation, and outright bigotry at the drop of a hat. Most animated films of this nature end up as pointless dreck; movies that are bad, but aimless. This, however, feels like it was made with some degree of purpose. Someone BELIEVED in Guardian of the Highlands, which is what makes this whole thing so goddamned intriguing to me. As Billi rides off into the moonlight to introduce his American concubine to Henry Jones Jr, the credits roll to the tune of a cheesy Bond theme spoof. While our eardrums are violated, we get a photo montage of a young Billi wooing, marrying, and eventually mourning his first wife. It's a truly nasty piece of work that needs to be seen to be believed; don your tartans and dig into the mutton pie of displeasure that is Sir Billi. You won't enjoy it, but you certainly won't be bored.
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