Children's entertainment is a curious beast. On one hand, it obviously needs to be simple enough that kids can understand and digest it; it's why you'd likely be better off reading a child The Lorax rather than showing them An Inconvenient Truth. It's always been a go-to excuse to look at something that's dull or overly-simplistic or even outright mindless and say, "well yeah, but it's for kids", as if that dispels all criticism. I find this to be a bit of a cop-out, personally. While children are obviously less learned and experienced than the vast majority of their adult peers, I find that they understand a lot more than they are often given credit for. It's why I praise children's entertainment that treats kids like people, rather than house pets who need to be occupied by bright colors for a set period of time. I'll forever sing the praises of movies like Paranorman and shows like Animaniacs for giving kids something substantial in terms of entertainment, rather than the visual junk food that makes up such an overwhelming amount of children's entertainment. There happens to be no shortage of shows and movies on Netflix that falls into what I like to call the "digital babysitter" category. Shows that come to the rescue of beleagured parents everywhere; just mash play on something with bright colors and cloying songs and your spawn will be occupied long enough for you to shave a few hours off that road trip or numb yourself with a half dozen more cocktails before returning to that insurmountable chore that is raising your children. Which brings us to today's subject... Meet the Small Poratoes.
The second I saw this, I knew I had to experience... whatever this was. A musical mockumentary about a band of singing potatoes? And starring Malcolm McDowell, no less? How could I possibly refuse? From the moment it started, I knew I was in for something interesting. I'm not sure if you can surmise this from the few screenshots I've collected, dear reader, but the first half of this movie is one of the most surreal things I've ever seen targeted at children. It's far more Don Hertzfeldt than Veggie Tales. There's so much that goes unexplained, and this naturally generates interest; why are the potatoes voiced by British children? Come to think of it, why is everyone (with the exception of Malcolm McDowell) voiced by a British child? Why do the people they interview about the "band" include a pair of babies in a bathtub, an elderly hairdresser, and what I can only assume is a little Jewish boy? Why are they all potatoes? That's really the most concerning part about this for me. It's not like them being potatoes is especially important or anything; sure, they come from a farm in Idaho and French people are portrayed by talking fries, but everyone in the background is a human being. There's even a mention of potato chips being an accepted thing in this universe where potatoes are apparently sentient on the same level as humans. Truly this is a disturbing world, where the strong literally and figuratively devour the weak.
The first half of this movie is almost endearing with how damn weird it is, I swear. Sure, it's mostly just cloying songs about how the main characters are potatoes, but it ends up being so absurd to the point that it's nearly charming. Like something they would air on Adult Swim at four in the morning to baffle hilariously stoned college kids who just happened to land on the right channel at the right time. However, about halfway through, this odd little... whatever this is, things take a sharp turn right into Nick Jr territory. Bland cutesy characters singing about friendship and wanting to be a fireman and other concepts that are sure to entertain no one over the age of five. It started off as something that, while not exactly good, was at the very least certainly unique, and ended up as the same kind of uninspired, trite garbage that populates far too much of the children's entertainment genre. I was so close to almost respecting this musical potato movie; it gave off the impression that it didn't care what I thought of it. It was content to have anthropomorphic potatoes go on a world tour, gain "inspiration" in India, and then cut to another, older potato (we know he's older because of the beard, and how he's voiced by Malcolm McDowell) to gush about how talented they are. It was almost proud of how surreal and odd it was. But then it took a nosedive right into conformist mediocrity, and that's when it totally lost me.
Now I understand this review might make me come off like something of a loser; a big tough guy who's gonna put that baby's cartoon in its place. And you'd be exactly right to think that. This movie was weird and stupid and it's just as deserving of my ire as Jem or Furry Vengeance. I give it credit for at least trying to be different, what with how the beginning plays out like some experimental arthouse project, but the fact that it falls back on the same old moralistic platitudes as every other children's film grinds my gears but good. There's no fleshed-out characters, there's no clear protagonist, and there's no real overall moral. The mockumentary aspects will fly right over the heads of those young enough to actually enjoy the songs and lessons on display, but the songs and lessons will dissuade any kid old enough to find the surreal framework interesting or funny. Yes, it's for kids, but that doesn't mean it has to be mindless. We were all children at one point, and I remember that when I was a kid, I didn't appreciate being talked down to. It's why I grew out of Teletubbies and Barney before I could read, yet maintained a healthy appreciation for the pre-movie seasons of Spongebob all through high school. Children may not know too much about the world, but they know when they're being patronized. Kids deserve to be challenged and engaged by their entertainment; kids deserve better than this.
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