Let's talk about schlock, shall we? That magical and elusive element that can take a work of sheer incompetence and turn it into something golden; movies like The Room and Samurai Cop, which, despite being functionally awful, are an utter joy to watch. In all my years studying schlock, I've found that the intent behind the film plays an important role in the way schlock is perceived. It's what separates a "bad" movie like Birdemic: Shock and Terror from a bad movie like Batman V Superman. As silly as it sounds, bad movies are typically more tolerable when there's the sense that someone really believes in it. It's one thing when a studio releases a bomb with nothing in the way of artistic intent besides "make a profit" and something entirely different when a filmmaker makes something totally devoid of irony or cynicism that simply happens to be a hilarious, steaming pile. Which brings me to this week's feature, Dragon Wars (otherwise known as D-War).
The creation of Korean filmmaker Shim Hyung-rae, D-War was the most expensive Korean film of all time when it was released. For whatever reason, Hyung-rae opted for a mostly American cast (not unlike his 1999 monster film, Yonggary) and the result is one of the most unintentionally joyful experiences I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. The plot follows a young reporter named Ethan (Jason Behr); as a boy, Ethan learned that he was the reincarnation of an ancient Korean hero of legend (as told to him by a mysterious antique dealer played by Robert Forster in a scene that had me crying "stranger danger" from the second it began). It is his solemn duty to protect the Yeouiju, a young woman with the power to turn snakes into magical dragons. If she bestows her power upon a good snake, he will defend the universe from evil. But if she bestows her power on a bad snake, he will destroy the entire world. There's some talk about something important happening on the woman's twentieth birthday, but I honestly couldn't follow the legend since half of it is in Korean with no subtitles. It seems the Yeouiju has been reincarnated in the form of a girl named Sarah (Amanda Brooks); she has no friends and no family and is also definitely nineteen. An ancient evil senses this and, as one would expect, releases a giant cobra into LA so that it may gain Sarah's power and destroy the Earth. Things get very silly very quickly and the only time I stopped laughing was when the film actually tried to tell a joke.
The performances in this movie are really something special. I think one of the keys to good schlock is definitely effort on everyone's part; while I wouldn't say that the actors in this movie do a good job, they're definitely trying. There's not a hint of irony to be found in any of the performances or dialog, even as a giant cobra spits an elephant at a zookeeper and Craig Robinson cackles while brandishing a gun at an evil magical warlord. Really, it's this sense of sincerity that makes the movie work. It's not some cynical cash-in on an existing franchise; someone wanted to really make a giant monster movie inspired by Korean folklore, so they gathered up around a hundred million dollars and did exactly that. The result is something sloppy and nonsensical, but it's also undeniably endearing. I remember when this film came out, hearing legends of how badly it bombed (despite the massive advertising campaign). I was fully prepared for something awful (or God forbid, boring), but found only harmless cheese instead. It's a movie about a big Korean snake trying to turn into a big Korean dragon, chasing a bunch of comically bland twenty-somethings around LA for 90 minutes, what's not to love?
Now despite how much fun I had with this movie, I do think it's important to reiterate that D-War is a bad movie. Yes, it's a funny-bad movie, but it's a bad movie all the same. For all the effort of the cast, there's not a single good performance to be found. The dialog is laughable and the storyline is worthy of a SyFy original. As impressive as the special effects are for a foreign film from the mid-2000's, they're still nothing to write home about and the action is ironically the most boring thing about this entire affair. This is the kind of movie you put on as background noise during a party or at a sleepover after everyone's had a few. This is the kind of movie that is really only tolerable in a MST3K-style atmosphere; I can't imagine how painful this might have been in a situation where I wasn't allowed to mock everything I was seeing on screen. Don't get me wrong, it's earnest, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are it's a big fat flop.
Dragon Wars (or D-War if you prefer) is a joy for all the wrong reasons. It's like eating a roll of raw cookie dough or wearing the same pair of sweatpants for an entire weekend; it's not good for you, but sometimes you just need to go that low once in a while. Sometimes it's fun to hide ourselves from the light of dignity and really revel in some good ol' fashioned trash. D-War is exactly that kind of movie; a box office bomb of narrative incompetence that will look splendid on a shelf next to Manos: The Hands of Fate and Shakma. If it feels like one of those days where you just wanna laze about, eat poorly, and revel in all sorts of bad decisions, D-War compliments that atmosphere like steak and cabernet.
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