Why was this movie made? What was the thought, the spark of imagination, that was the creative impetus for this film's creation? Why do they constantly refer to hotdogs exclusively as "sausages"? Even the main character, Frank (Seth Rogan) is sealed in packaging that says "dogs", not sausages. If this movie is meant to be a parody of animated musicals, why is there only one song in the beginning? If humans are still able to see the food move (for instance, baby carrots fleeing in terror are shown to be slowly rolling off a counter), why doesn't anyone notice them dancing and cheering inside a shopping cart?
Why did we have to watch a talking douche rape a juice box? Why did absorbing the juice make the douche stronger? Why couldn't the writers think of more inspired names than "Kareem Abdul Lavash" and "Sammy Bagel Jr"? I understand that the joke is that the lavash (David Krumholtz) is meant to represent Palestine and the bagel (Edward Norton) is meant to represent Israel, but those aren't even puns. While it's true that Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Sammy Davis Jr eventually converted to Islam and Judaism respectively, they hardly seem to be the prime candidates for food-based puns focused on religion. You might as well have named the character "Mel Bagels" or "Bagel Stewart" and achieved the same result. Not to mention how I imagine the target audience for Sausage Party knows as much about the Rat Pack as they do about retired basketball players.
Why did the filmmakers see fit to swindle so many animators out of their hard-earned credit? Not that the animation on display here is anything particularly groundbreaking, but credit is due where credit is due. Why were the hotdogs displayed on a non-refrigerated stand? I understand that it makes sense to position hotdogs in close proximity to buns, mustard, and other related paraphernalia, but I can't imagine a sleeve of room-temperature weenies would have a very long shelf life. Why would a modern-day supermarket sell a brand of alcohol labeled "Firewater" with a Native American motif? Even if they did, how would such a product not cause massive public outcry and be pulled from store shelves? How is it that the only non-perishable items in an entire store are a bottle of liquor, a package of grits, and a single Twinkie? Why does a film that ends in a cartoon food orgy make the assumption that a single member of its target audience would be familiar with They Call Me Mister Tibbs? Where would a talking bottle of liquor acquire enough weed to become a bonafide stoner? How does a bottle of liquor even smoke weed? Do the food characters have respiratory systems? Do they need to eat and drink? If so, what does food eat? Is there a sub-group of food-food that views our food as monstrous god-beings obsessed with murder and destruction as well?
Why was the Irish potato covered in extra eyes? Why are some products shown as being items inside a package (for instance, Frank and friends) and some shown as being the actual package itself (the aformentioned box of grits, voiced by Craig Robinson)? Considering that the cast includes a talking douche, a roll of toilet paper, and even a condom, the film establishes that not only food is sentient. Where does this end? Are all inanimate objects in some way alive? Why does a druggie (voiced by James Franco) own a large, medieval battleaxe and why is it positioned above his doorway? Why is said battleaxe kept sharp enough to cleanly sever a human head? How did a wad of gum manage to construct an electronic wheelchair and voice box? If a person under the influence of bath salts is able to see the food walking and talking the same as the viewer, then what did the blood-soaked climax look like to a sober person? Was it just a bunch of crazed shoppers and employees suffering cartoonishly fatal coincidences?
Why does the movie end in a store-wide food orgy? Was this entire movie made just because Seth Rogen realized that there's more than one way to interpret the phrase "food porn"? Why does it feel the need to shoehorn in an extremely heavy-handed metaphor about religion? Why does the half-assed message of "I guess you have to respect everyone's beliefs even though they're stupid and not real" come off as somehow more insulting and condescending than if the film had simply said "religion is dumb"? Why does the movie end on a cliff-hanger sequel tease that feels as though it's right out of a Marvel movie? Why did anyone sign on to make this? Why would anyone make this? How am I unable to muster legitimate anger towards this film despite it literally being the stupidest, most pointless thing I have ever seen in my entire life? More importantly, why did I spend actual money to go and see this?
What the hell did I even watch?
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