REVIEW: Small Soldiers

Since I started this blog over a year ago, it's been a stellar excuse to discover new films that may have passed me by. By the same token, it's also an excellent excuse to rediscover old films from my youth. Movies that I remember watching endlessly, but haven't seen in well over a decade. Movies like Small Soldiers. For me, this was just another late-90's action flick with a badass toy line; I could care less about the plot or characters, it was all about the special effects and the merchandise. I honestly hadn't seen this since I was around five years old, having rented it countless times from the local Blockbuster. Since then I couldn't help but notice how no one seems to talk about what, at the time, felt like a very prevalent movie to me. Perhaps it was just the power of advertising and action figures warping my impressionable young mind, but Small Soldiers struck me as anything but obscure back in the day. It was because of this dissonance that I felt it deserved a revisit; imagine my surprise to find out that it was in fact directed by the mastermind behind Gremlins, Joe Dante.

This makes perfect sense, seeing as how this movie is positively oozing with Dante's trademark themes and motifs. After the Heartland Toy Company is acquired by military contractor GloboTech Industries, toy designers Larry and Irwin (Jay Mohr and David Cross) are pressured to come up with the next big thing; a state-of-the-art toy that "plays back". Seeing no other option to meet his deadline, Larry uses his new security clearance to order a surplus of advanced microchips from the company's military branch. The chips are used in a new line of action figures; the Commando Elite, a stalwart brigade of army men sworn to destroy a gentle race of monsters known as the Gorgonites. The toys find their way into the hands of Alan Abernathy (Gregory Smith), who tries to sell them in his dad's struggling toy store. Naturally, putting military-grade hardware inside action figures proves to be a less-than-smart idea, as the toys awaken, escape, and begin waging war on one another.

Watching this movie as an adult, it's painfully obvious that Joe Dante directed this. It's very much in the same mold as Gremlins, condemning society's over-reliance on technology, as well as the blatant ruthlessness that lies at the heart of big business. It falls into that same category as films like Robocop or Videodrome, in which a critique of society is conveyed through over-the-top action, mutilation, and one-liners. The CEO of GloboTech (Dennis Leary) scoffs at the idea of educational toys, instead opting for a line of in-your-face military action figures. The Commando Elite come off like G.I. Joe on steroids (all, coincidentally, voiced by the cast of The Dirty Dozen, with the exception of Richard Jaeckel, who died prior to shooting), making a bold statement about how we readily present concepts of war and violence to children as a game in exchange for profit. The Gorgonites (all voiced by members of Spinal Tap, plus Frank Langella) are clearly a more imaginative, inclusive concept for a children's toy, yet end up branded as cannon fodder enemies for the Commandos to blow away. Ironically enough, the film's darker content was reportedly toned down in order to more effectively market a toy line to children (like myself).

The cast is surprisingly varied; as mentioned, this movie acts as a stealth-reunion for both The Dirty Dozen and This is Spinal Tap. We have Frank Langella giving a very Peter Cullen-esque performance as Archer, leader of the Gorgonites, as well as Tommy Lee Jones providing the voice of Chip Hazard, the commanding officer of the Commando Elite. The film also features a young Kirsten Dunst as a bland and forgettable love interest, Kevin Dunn in the same high-strung dad role he would later play in Michael Bay's Transformers movies, and voice cameos from Jim Cummings, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Christina Ricci. This is also, most notably, the final theatrical role of the late, great Phil Hartman. I didn't expect to feel any wild emotions at the end of Small Soldiers of all things, but it's hard not to get misty-eyed when the credits end with a simple blooper and the dedication, "for Phil".

As much as I enjoyed the cast and the special effects (care of another dearly-departed master of his craft, Stan Winston) and the general Joe Dante-ness of this movie, there's no denying that Small Soldiers isn't without its problems. The whole thing can, at times, come off as a not-as-good Gremlins and, while the practical effects remain excellent, the CGI hasn't aged particularly well at all. The romantic subplot is entirely superfluous and out of the blue, which isn't helped by Dunst and Smith having practically negative chemistry with each other. Their attempts at flirting are downright painful to listen to and she initiates their relationship without ever consulting or dumping her current boyfriend. When it's not coming off as painfully awkward and forced, it settles for totally skeezy instead. 

I also honestly wasn't that sold on the Gorgonites; I remembered them having a much larger role when I was a child, but that's likely because of how prevalent they were in the merchandise. The vast bulk of the screentime is given to the Commando Elite (which is earned, since they're easily the best part of this movie), leaving little time for us to care at all about Archer and his crew of quiet monsters. As they explain, the Gorgonites are programmed to do exactly two things; hide and lose. As great as their designs are, we don't really end up caring about them since they don't have any agency. We're meant to care whether or not these toys are destroyed or not, despite the fact that they're hunks of plastic with low-self-esteem. It honestly feels like the film originally only featured the Commando Elite, only for the Gorgonites to be thrown in to appeal to kids (and, of course, sell action figures). It's a damn shame, since there's few things I find more tragic in a film than wasted potential, especially in regards to wicked cool creature designs.

Despite my gripes, I still found Small Soldiers to be a fun time. It drags here and there and the characterization is either a total bore or nowhere to be found, but it definitely makes up for it in terms of sheer wackiness. There's a part of me that will always have a soft spot for this kind of movie, where there's a big threat in the heart of a suburb in Anytown, USA, and the only person who knows what's really going on is the troublemaking kid whom no one believes. It's a fistful of beefy metaphors wrapped around a whole lot of animatronic army guys getting blown up and set on fire; considering the plot, I don't know what else one could realistically ask for. It's far from Joe Dante's best, but I'd definitely say it qualifies for cult status, considering how often it made me smile. Check it out.