There was a time when Nickelodeon was the undisputed king of children's programming. It was the first major network devoted entirely to kids and, at the time, it wasn't a stretch to say it was the best. While my mind may be somewhat clouded by nostalgia, conjuring visions of green slime and elusive magazine subscriptions, it's still safe to say that the late 90's boasted a pretty objectionably excellent lineup of programming on Nick. We saw the rise of Spongebob Squarepants (before it became the shambling corpse it is today), as well as classic shows like Hey Arnold, Rugrats, KaBlam!!, and Rocko's Modern Life. There were so many strong, recognizable properties they had to work with back in the day, which is why I'm utterly confused as to why Nickelodeon Films decided to make a movie like Snow Day; a film that can't decide which demographic it wants to appeal to. In the end, it chooses to appeal to no one.
The movie, as the title implies, takes place on a snow day and follows the members of the Brandston family. Teenage son Hal (Mark Webber) is a high school loser who pitifully stalks the most popular girl in school in hopes that she'll come around and start dating him. The dad, Tom (Chevy Chase), is a small-time weather man hoping to one-up his eternal rival, Chad Symmonz (John Schneider). Meanwhile, the middle child, Natalie (Zena Grey) teams up with her friends to try and take down the notorious Snowplowman (Chris Elliot), bane of children and destroyer of snow days. The whole time this is all going on, workaholic mom Laura (Jean Smart) is stuck at home with her energetic toddler, snowed in and unable to get to the office to finalize her big business deal. If you think this sounds like a half dozen movies all crammed into one, you'd be exactly right. It's an absolute mess that tries to act like a sampler platter of plots, but botches the execution spectacularly.
The first thing that's worth noting is the odd sort of mysticism that the movie tries to assign to the idea of a snow day. Maybe I was just a social pariah as a kid, but snow days weren't particularly "magical" when I was little; it was just a lucky occurrence where I got to miss school and pelt hunks of ice at passing FedEx trucks with my friends. The movie is constantly reminding us that "anything can happen on a snow day", as if it's the passing of some sort of millennium comet that was predicted by ancient soothsayers. In the world of this movie, a snow day basically means society pauses for 24 hours, allowing adults, teens, and children alike to hit the streets and frolic through the powder like a department store Christmas display. The only context in which this idea sort of works is found with the Snowplowman story; the film's director, Chris Koch, also worked on The Adventures of Pete & Pete, and that influence is felt strongest in this plot line. If the entire movie possessed that uniquely Nickelodeon brand of kidlike absurdity, it all just might have worked. Unfortunately, every other character's story is totally mundane in the worst kind of way.
Hal's story is a crash course of every lazy highschool cliché in the book. Dorky loser wants to get with unattainable popular girl. Popular girl has rich jerk boyfriend. Dorky loser ends up with modestly attractive gal pal who was right in front of him all along. They kiss, roll credits. The only remotely memorable thing about this plot is the popular girl's choice in wardrobe (which, in all honesty, makes me wonder how this managed to keep a PG rating). Meanwhile, the mom's story is practically nonexistant. We get glimpses into her day every now and then, basically just to see her try and get work done while her worryingly rambunctious toddler interrupts with comic hijinks. I'm all for togetherness and familial bonding, but some things just take precedent over frolicking in a winter wonderland. The kid is completely in the wrong here, no matter what the film says. He strips down to his skivvies, makes his mom drop her phone in a snowbank during an important conference call, and doesn't receive so much as a stern talking to. The woman is trying to put bread on the table and this kid has exactly no respect for that. Why he couldn't just play in the snow with his sister (or why the mom couldn't just get a sitter for an afternoon), I'll never know.
Chevy Chase's story is literally just the continuing adventures of Clark Griswold. Chevy Chase feels underappreciated at his job, does stupid, pigheaded things to get his dues, suffers comic consequences, and finally earns the recognition he deserves. Do you see the recurring theme of "character wants end goal, scenes happen, character gets what they want"? The most interesting story by far is Natalie's war against Snowplowman; why the movie wasn't entirely about that, I have no idea. The film spreads itself way too thin in trying to appeal to everyone, sacrificing the elements of it that had the potential to be fun. I'd really like to hear about the making of this movie, since I refuse to believe that it was anything but the Snowplowman story to begin with. The additional plots positively reek of executive meddling, attempting to rope in more demographics aside from the Salute Your Shorts crowd. Really, an anthology following a group of characters in different age groups with different problems on a snow day is an idea that has legs, but it doesn't amount to much when the execution is so horrendously botched as it is here.
Snow Day is just a bland, bad, forgettable movie. Parents won't like it because of all the annoying kid stuff. Kids won't like it because of all the boring grown-up stuff. Teens won't like it because the romance is shallow, juvenile, and at times really creepy. The only positive things about it are a pretty fun Iggy Pop cameo and Snowplowman; Chris Elliot is acting to the rafters and his entire character feels like something in the same wheelhouse as The Beast from The Sandlot. Again, maybe if the Snowplowman story had been the entire film, we'd have had something here. Unfortunately, we instead have a half-baked hodgepodge of genres that doesn't result in anything worth remembering. Apologies to my mom for renting this endlessly from Blockbuster. Upon rewatching it, I really don't know what I ever saw in this that required more than one viewing, but yet here I am. I guess anything really can happen on a snow day.
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