So yeah. The Master of Disguise. A 2002 Dana Carvey vehicle that, since its release, has garnered a reputation for being one of the worst films ever made. After having sat through it for the first time in over a decade, I can safely say that it more than earns that distinction. This is truly a godawful piece of garbage in every sense of the word.
The film stars Dana Carvey as Pistachio Disguisey, a charmless Italian waiter who comes from a long line of masters of disguise (hence the title). After his parents are kidnapped, he must team up with Harold Gould and Jennifer Esposito in an attempt to rescue them from Commander Data (Brent Spiner). Basically, it's just an excuse for Dana Carvey to dress up in silly outfits and do a bunch of goofy voices while people fart and fall down. To his credit, Carvey IS quite gifted when it comes to impersonations (honestly, the highlight of the movie is when he appears as Quint from Jaws, doing a flat-out perfect Robert Shaw); however, a knack for mimicry does not a movie make. After hearing this description, you might be wondering, like I once did, who would possibly bother to fund such an empty, pointless film. The answer, to the surprise of absolutely no one, is Adam Sandler. From the second I saw the Happy Madison logo in the beginning, I knew I was in for something especially painful.
I really don't know what else to say about this movie. It's just bad. I mean, I suppose the makeup effects are pretty well done, but that's literally the only positive thing I have to say about it. Everything here is so utterly bland. Even Dana Carvey, lovable old Garth Algar himself, is completely devoid of any of his usual charm. This is an actor who can be downright hilarious, seen here doing nothing but generating sheer and utter contempt; his character is unlikeable, his disguises make no sense (even inside the movie's own absurd logic), and there's not a single joke that made me smile. Appropriately enough, it ends on a hellacious fart; an apt metaphor for the hour and a half of torment I'd had to sit through. Even when the credits roll, the film continues to punish those who dare witness it by playing yet more scenes that were either cut or couldn't be crammed into the already poorly-paced main feature.
It's kind of astounding how incompetent this movie is; within the first five minutes, the pacing already flatlines with no hope for recovery. It opens with a lengthy credits sequence set to an upbeat pop song, before jumping right into a flashback/escape scene. It's a complete tonal 180 that establishes the film's proud precedent of just jumping from scene to scene with little to no transition in between. Half the time, major scenes are explained away through the use of narration; it's as if you can watch the budget decrease as the movie goes on. It opens with characters gliding through the air and wearing all sorts of strange outfits, only to finish with a scene that looks like it was shot at a Hilton resort in Miami. The film manages to actually mimic the audience, as it simply cannot wait to end; everything is wrapped up in a minute-long explanation following the climax. I can't exactly say I'm angry that it was in such a hurry to end itself; it was painful, but it at least moved along quickly. That said, "at least it was quick" is hardly a quote for the Collector's Edition Blu Ray box.
The Master of Disguise is a horrible ordeal of a film. I suppose I can see some value in it from an academic standpoint; this IS a prime example of how NOT to make a comedy. It's also something of a curiosity, considering how no one will remember that this was even a thing in fifty years or so. It's destined to be a fossilized turd, the only people bothering to dig it up being those fascinated enough by ancient trash to give it the time of day. They say art has whatever meaning the observer applies to it; that is the meaning I apply to The Master of Disguise. If you're intrigued by the uniquely terrible, by that which will leave nothing of worth once it is forgotten, then by all means, give this one a watch.