So before I even begin to talk about Killer Mountain, I'd like to talk about the poster for Killer Mountain. Had it not been for this poster, I never would have watched this movie. The Netflix description is pretty dull, talking about how an ex-mountain climber is brought out of retirement to find a missing research team. Pair that with a title like "Killer Mountain" and I imagine that I'd be about to watch a disaster movie about avalanches or something. However, put "Killer Mountain" on a poster like THAT, where a woman is cowering in fear of what appears to be a bearded dragon with an octopus for a tongue, and my expectations change entirely.
To answer your first question (at least, this was MY first question), no, the movie isn't about a sentient mountain that kills people. I started this up with that tiny glimmer of hope and the film dashed it within the first ten minutes. How I had any hope left at all after seeing the SyFy Channel logo at the very beginning is a complete and utter mystery even to me. Killer Mountain is a bit of a misnomer, in that it isn't the mountain that kills people so much as it is the budget-CGI monsters that dwell within the mountain. I guess it's kind of like "make-out point"; it's not a place that makes out with people, but rather a place where people go to make-out. The difference here being the threat of giant Bhutanese centipede creatures.
As I learned far too late in the movie to care, these monsters are apparently called Druks. One Google search later revealed that Druks are creatures in Bhutanese mythology. Fun fact: studying Bhutanese mythology is just one of many things that you can do instead of watching Killer Mountain. Despite the fact that these creatures are referred to as Druks, I think they look more like the centipedes from the arcade game, Centipedes. When one hears "Bhutanese thunder dragons", one would imagine something that looks a fair bit more impressive than some discarded concept art from Evolve after it had been animated by Ray Harryhausen with half the budget and a quarter of the talent.
But don't count Killer Mountain out just yet. This isn't just another effects-laden blockbuster, all style, no substance. There is an all-star cast of relatable and memorable characters. There's Folksy Cowboy Sidekick, Rich Guy, Rich Guy's Jerk Son, Sherpa, Hispanic Pilot Who Speaks Spanish When He Gets Excited, Ex-Wife, Useless Doctor Who I Literally Forgot Was In The Movie, and of course, the hero of the film, Retired Mountain Climber Who Looks Like If Rory Cochran Had A Baby With Reggie Fils-Aime.
It's also got an amazing story to tell. Retired Mountain Climber is a retired mountain climber who is hired by Rich Guy and his transparently evil corporation to help locate a missing exploration team. At first, he refuses, but eventually agrees to tag along once Rich Guy reveals that Retired's ex-wife was sent in before him. One must wonder what depths the SyFy Channel has sunk to that they would resort to stealing from Jurassic Park: The Lost World, of all movies. However, twists abound! We later find out from Jerk Son that Rich Guy has only doomed countless explorers to death by the millipedes of the mountain in an effort to find Shangri-La. Yes, the literal, physical Shangri-La. Rich Guy hopes to find it, described as a city that grants endless knowledge and riches to those who find it, because he hopes it will cure his cancer. I suppose one could use endless knowledge to cure cancer, or endless gold to fund research, but we're also told that Rich Guy has only a month left to live. This revelation is foreshadowed by Rich Guy occasionally downing random pills out of an orange pharmacy bottle as if they were off-brand Pez.
I don't rightfully see how infinite gold and wisdom is the cure for cancer, but that's because it apparently isn't. No, according to Killer Mountain, cancer can be eradicated by ordinary, run-of-the-mill ancient Bhutanese mountain leech goo. Believe me when I say, the scene in which an actor excitedly squeezes slime out of rubber leeches into a glass jar is the highlight of this movie (it also displays the only tolerable special effects in the entire feature).
Apparently, Killer Mountain was made in 2011. That's the same year that gave us Attack the Block. This is just one of many ways that Killer Mountain succeeds in making me a little sad inside. Nearly every other way is supplied care of the most dull, lifeless collection of people I think I have ever seen on screen. Let's have a little quiz, just to help me prove a point:
1. You're in a deserted base camp on a mountain. Despite the fact that you were supposed to meet up with a team of people, they all appear to have mysteriously vanished. While exploring a tent, you see a pool of red, blood-like liquid. As you look at it, more appears to be dripping from the ceiling. What do you do?
A. Maybe gasp or scream, look to see where it's coming from, alert anyone of what you've found immediately.
B. Stare at it dopily, mash your fingers into the mysterious puddle for a few seconds, leave the tent without looking to see where it's clearly dripping from.
2. You're on a mountain after the helicopter that brought you there crashed. While looking around, you find what appears to be a big, fossilized shark jaw full of sharp teeth. You haven't seen any kind of monster or animal that this could belong to. What do you do?
A. Make a note of it, continue looking for the missing climbers you're there to find.
B. Say "let's get the hell out of here, these things could be all over the mountain", despite having never seen any "things" and having no way to get off of the mountain.
3. You are inside a cavern full of giant insect monsters. These creatures have already eaten several people. Your companions are attempting to rescue someone. What do you do?
A. Offer to help, keep watch for more creatures, contribute in literally any way possible.
B. Wander into a cavern you know to be full of killer centipede things because you want to "look around a little".
If you answered A to any of those questions, then congratulations; you are officially too smart to be a main character in Killer Mountain.
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