Heavenly Sword is amazing. Not amazing in a good way. Amazing in the same way as an atomic blast, or a cockroach that simply won't die no matter how hard you stomp on it. People who know me know how I have a very high tolerance for bad movies; even the worst piece of garbage can be entertaining. At long last, I have found my limit, and it's name is Heavenly Sword.
For those unaware, 2014's Heavenly Sword is an adaptation of the forgettable PS3 game of the same name, or as the opening credits inform us, "BASED ON THE HEAVENLY SWORD VIDEO GAME FRANCHISE FROM SONY COMPUTER ENTERTAINMENT". In my humble opinion, a single game over half a decade ago (followed up with an appearance in Playstation All-Stars) is hardly a franchise, but what do I know? It's difficult where to begin with this, seeing as how everything is just so godawful; I suppose I could start with the plot. As we are told through SEVERAL plodding narrations, there's some ancient artifact known as the Heavenly Sword. It's cursed or was wielded by a god or some such legendary nonsense (maybe it was a combination of the two) and the evil King Bohan (voiced by Alfred Molina, who must have really needed to eat that weekend) wants to get his big, gauntlet-y hands on it so that he can... do something evil, I'm sure. He doesn't really have a clearly defined plan outside of getting this sword.
The sword is kept in a small village by a clan of vaguely Asian warriors. With the exception of the protagonist's jerkass father (one of the three characters voiced by Nolan North, who does his hardest "I'm a white guy voicing an ancient Asian man" voice), all of these people speak with that generic English accent that all ancient people all around the world seemed to have. Once Doc Ock attacks the clan, the sword is entrusted to Nariko (Anna Torv, managing to conjure less emotion than a bowl of Rice Krispies); she's the most perfect, talented warrior that the clan has ever seen, but all of this is completely invalidated because she's a woman. So everyone respects and reveres her, but they also mock and look down on her. Sometimes at the same time. It's difficult to have a character be utterly perfect AND an underdog all at once; usually it just cancels everything out and makes them boring and uninteresting. If you need any evidence of my theory in action, just watch Heavenly Sword. She's accompanied by Kai (Ashleigh Bell), a horribly annoying piece of work who could only be more of a ripoff of Edward from Cowboy Bebop if she wore goggles and hung out with a corgi. Her voice is comparable to nails on a chalkboard during teatime at a dodgy South London brothel and I utterly loathed every second that she was on screen. One of the few times I smiled during this movie is when I believed she had been brutally murdered onscreen; because Heavenly Sword refuses to let those who view it experience any modicum of joy, she of course gets better, despite being stabbed through the stomach and hung for a solid five minutes at least.
There's a few other characters who show up and do very little; Thomas Jane of all people voices Loki, a character who apparently wasn't in the video game. As you may have guessed, he has about two minutes of screentime and then promptly dies (a shame, considering how much one would think the addition of The Punisher would spice this picture up). As I mentioned, Nolan North voices a few people, my favorite of which being Roach, King Bohan's morbidly obese son. He's the only entertaining part of this entire movie and that's because he's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Imagine if Sloth from the Goonies weighed five-hundred pounds and attacked people by rolling into a ball like an armadillo on pep pills. His slurred reading of "I'm gunna kill you now" is the only moment in the movie where I genuinely smiled at something I think was meant to be funny. Honestly, everything in this movie was put together with such staggering incompetence, from the writing to the action to the animation (that looks to be straight out of a high-end PS2 cutscene), I'm honestly not sure what I was supposed to think of any of this. Fifteen minutes in, I checked to see if it was almost over.
While watching the horror unfold, I devised a drinking game, thinking that perhaps alcohol will dull the horrible pain inflicted by this movie on any poor fool (like yours truly) who willingly decides to watch it.
The Official Drinking Game of Heavenly Sword: The Official Movie of the Game
Take a drink whenever:
-the words "Sony Computer Entertainment" or "Playstation" are on screen
-the film cuts away to expository narration with a flashback animated in a 2-D style
-a character or object clips through part of the scenery
-someone says "Heavenly Sword" (if you really wanna fly, drink whenever someone just says "sword")
-you hear "prophecy" or "chosen one"
-there's an audio glitch or someone's dialog is noticeably chopped together from different takes
-you hear a stock sound effect or scream
-you notice that the sound the bird-guy makes when he laughs is totally just Kazooie's voice from Banjo Kazooie
-someone lets out a "NOOOOOOO"
-someone makes a really stupid, uncanny valley face
-Nariko or Kai totally should have been killed, but the identical henchmen just stood there and didn't make any effort to attack them
-you check the time to see how much longer is left
-and finally, when Kai "dies", finish your glass; this is both in celebration and to build up tolerance to the reveal that she's totally still alive
I considered adding "whenever Kai is insufferable" to that list, but that would basically just result in nonstop chugging whenever she's on screen. Not only would this probably kill people, it would also cost them a fair amount of booze; I don't want to be responsible for either of those outcomes.
"YES! THEY HAVE FOUND HIM! AND THEY HAVE THEIR ORDERS! TO KILL HIM! NOW! HA!"- actual line of dialog delivered by Alfred Molina, actor
Incidentally, you might be wondering why there are so many spoilers in this review. It's because I want to spoil this movie. I don't want anyone to get curious and go watch this. Heavenly Sword is the Pet Semetary and I am the old groundskeeper. I never played Heavenly Sword on my PS3; I just remember hearing a collective "it's not bad" amongst all the obvious God of War comparisons. If you really loved the game and you simply MUST see what it's like adapted as a hour and a half long direct-to-video movie (or if you're just a humongous glutton for punishment), then you're going to do what you want to do. But don't say I didn't warn you.
I'm going to start this review by saying that I know absolutely nothing about Judge Dredd. I've never read any of the comics and I haven't subjected myself to the 1995 trainwreck starring Sylvester Stallone (yet). All I really know about Judge Dredd is that he is apparently never shown without his helmet. This detail is recreated faithfully in 2012's Dredd; Karl Urban definitely deserves a fair amount of kudos for his performance, considering that the upper half of his face is literally never on screen throughout the duration. Urban's gravely-voiced opening narration informs us that, in an atomic wasteland of a future (because really, is there any other kind of future?), most of the East Coast of the US has been merged into the megalithic metropolis, Mega-City One. Crime has ravaged the streets and the only justice is provided by the Judges, an elite force of super-cops who act as judge, jury, and (if necessary) executioner.
As I mentioned, Dredd was released in September of 2012 under the title Dredd 3D. If you weren't aware that this movie was shot in 3D, you certainly will be by the time it's over; essentially every action sequence contains some display of fantastical violence that I'm certain looked rather spectacular on the big screen in a theater full of excited moviegoers. That said, when one watches it at home, in 2D, the effect is nonexistent at the best of times, slightly obnoxious at the worst. All of the fanciful, slow-motion shots of the carnage come to us care of the futuristic street drug, aptly named Slo-Mo. The general idea is that, when it is inhaled, it tricks the user's brain into believing that the world is moving in slow-motion. As dystopian future super narcotics go, this one is definitely one of the coolest.
The drug is peddled through the criminal underworld by one Madeline "Ma-Ma" Madrigal, portrayed by Lena Headey (a perfect fit for the role of a threatening, underhanded woman in power, I'm sure any Game of Thrones fans would agree). She operates out of Peach Trees, a massive, 200-floor super-tenement; after murdering a group of competing drug dealers in the public atrium, Judge Dredd (Urban) is called in to investigate. With him is a Judge-in-training, the psychic Cassandra Anderson (Olivia Thirlby). Once the cops are inside the giant slum tower, the mastermind drug dealer traps them inside and, through the use of a PA system, commands all of the residents to kill the intruders. If that sounds anything like The Raid: Redemption (another action film released in 2012, albeit months before Dredd hit theaters), that's because the first half of the movie is basically a futuristic version of The Raid, just not quite as good.
For all the complaining I've done so far, you might be under the impression that I disliked this film. You'd be wrong; do note how I said "first half". Up until the 45 minute mark, Dredd is somewhat unremarkable for anyone who's seen The Raid. It simply hits all the same beats, right down to the "heroes hide in an occupied apartment" and "villain watches heroes' progress through wall of monitors" scenes. That said, the second half of the film truly makes up for the simply decent first half. The plot begins to blossom into its own unique thing and we're treated to a lot more interesting character moments from both Dredd and Anderson; basically, the second half of this movie is good enough that it makes me sad that the first half wasn't equally as good.
Despite my gripes with the story, this is, for the most part, a very good-looking film. Obvious 3D money shots aside, the cinematography is really great and the look of Dredd's world is truly intriguing to look at. It's a landscape that mirrors our protagonist; we know very little about it outside of what we're told, so it ends up a really mysterious, interesting kind of thing. Like the titular Judge himself, we look at the bleak, grimy interiors and exteriors of Mega-City One and wonder how it ended up like it did. It's an immersive film, drawing the viewer in and keeping them interested. The action is quite engaging, though I feel as though I must protest the use of CGI blood. It just looks horrible; maybe it worked better in 3D, but in 2D it just looks like bright-red Nickelodeon slime. It's jarring when the characters and their surroundings are so dingy while the gore that explodes out of them may as well have been made using assets lifted from Team Fortress 2.
There are some really good performances on display here, despite the main cast not being particularly large. Karl Urban's Judge Dredd is great fun to watch, managing to be both the coolest and cheesiest thing in the movie at the same time. He's a grizzled badass with a permanent scowl on his face and one of cinema's coolest guns on his hip; he carries out his duty without prejudice or exception. Aside from what we see, we know absolutely nothing about him. While Dredd isn't the most emotionally diverse character, Urban manages to convey his thoughts and feelings without the use of his eyes for the entire film. He stands in the middle of the madness around him like a pillar of stone, which really makes you wonder just what happened to this man that turned him into this force of nature. Olivia Thirlby's Anderson compliments him nicely, playing the optimistic, untrained rookie to Urban's jaded veteran. As a psychic, her character provides an interesting spin on the idea of a Judge; they're meant to uphold the law no matter what, remaining resolute and unbent, yet she is able to see into people to their core. Their on-screen chemistry is definitely one of the highlights of this movie. Lena Headey is great as always, though I really do wish I saw more of her. She had the potential to be a legitimately terrifying villain; while she comes close, I feel as though she didn't quite reach her full potential.
For all its flaws, Dredd was a fun time. The first half will be familiar territory to anyone who's seen The Raid: Redemption, but I feel as though the rest of the film more than makes up for it. It's a shame that we won't likely get a sequel, considering how much I enjoyed this and wish to see more of this world. That said, we might as well enjoy what we've got, seeing as how what we've got is quite good.
Note: The English-dubbed release from Miramax was used for this review.
Armour of God has been sitting in my Netflix queue for some time now. I remember hearing it listed on one of James Rolfe's Jackie Chan retrospectives for Cinemassacre, so I knew I simply had to check it out. About an hour and a half later and I'm not disappointed. It's not a particularly "good" movie, but man oh man is it a fun time.
The plot involves a character named Jackie Chan (shockingly portrayed by Jackie Chan), a former 80's pop-rock idol who, after quitting the band, pursued the same line of work as so many ex-musicians before him: tomb-raiding treasure hunter. A satanic cult (led by a man who looks to be cosplaying as Doctor Orpheus from The Venture Bros) wishes to possess the titular Armour of God so that they may perform vaguely unexplained acts of evil with it; in order to carry out this plan, they kidnap Jackie's former bandmate and ex-girlfriend, Lorelei (Rosamund Kwan), hoping to blackmail Jackie into retrieving the armor for them. It turns out that Jackie's OTHER former bandmate, Alan (played by Alan Tam) is now engaged to Lorelei; naturally he wants to get her back as well, so he comes to Jackie for help. The two are joined by May Bannon (Lola Forner), the daughter of a rich European Count and curator of ancient artifacts. She tags along on the journey to secure the remaining armor pieces for her father; she also is sort of Jackie's love interest, but not really.
Truthfully, the plot is sort of garbage. It meanders around all over the place and doesn't really do anything interesting. Everyone except for Jackie and Alan are totally underdeveloped, the villains are practically nonexistent, and things often don't make sense. The movie opens up with a scene ripped straight from Raiders of the Lost Arc; Jackie has to steal an artifact from a horde of natives (be prepared to hear "ooga booga" more than once during this sequence), only to escape via plane. At one point during this scene, the natives chase Jackie down a grassy mountainside on tribal toboggans. If this sounds completely ludicrous, that's because it is.
With all that said, this is not the kind of movie you watch for the plot. I knew enough about Jackie Chan going into this to know that any stunts I was about to see were a hundred percent REAL; that fact took what could be just a cheesy 80's action flick and turned it into a legitimately impressive piece of work. The last twenty or so minutes of this are comprised of one big fight scene in which Jackie fights off basically the entire evil cult within their secret mountain fortress. This and all the other action scenes (including one particularly incredible stunt at the end that I won't dare spoil) are a testament to Jackie Chan's skill as both a martial artist and an actor. This particular film is legendary for a moment that isn't even in the final cut; while filming his escape in the beginning, Jackie was to leap onto the top of a tree and ride it to the ground. Upon doing this, the branch snapped. He proceeded to fall five meters to the ground, cracking his skull (footage of the accident is actually featured in the blooper reel during the credits, so maybe skip that part if you're faint of heart). He was airlifted to the hospital and operated on; to this day, he has a plastic plug in his head and acute hearing loss in one ear. After he had recovered, he went on to take over as director and film the rest of the movie (along with countless others). It's that kind of dedication that makes Armour of God something special.
Armour of God marries the genres of kung-fu and slapstick comedy; it's a match made in heaven. Any time during the action that isn't spent gawking at some amazing display of physical prowess is spent chuckling at the great physical humor; I was honestly surprised how often I caught myself genuinely laughing at this movie. The fact that I wasn't laughing at it ironically (despite Jackie dubbing over his own voice in a dialect that would make Tommy Wiseau blush) keeps Armour of God out of the "enjoyably bad" camp and makes it just plain enjoyable. It's a goofy movie that the actors clearly had a lot of fun making; even Jackie, despite the fact that he almost literally killed himself while making it.
Armour of God is no masterpiece; it doesn't have a brilliant story or life-changing performances. What it does have is heart, and a lot of it. By all rights, this should be a bad movie; in many ways, it is. But despite all of its flaws, I was smiling pretty much the entire time. It's the cinematic equivalent of a fireworks display; quite a bit of work went into it and, while it's not particularly a deep experience, it's definitely enjoyable to watch.
Having seen both Slither and Guardians of the Galaxy, I can safely say that James Gunn is one of my favorite directors. After having watched his 2010 film, Super, my opinion of him has only improved. Like some of the other films I've reviewed, Super is an independent flick that I really feel deserves more recognition than it gets. At first glance, some might write this movie off as a rip-off of Kick-Ass, another R-rated film released in 2010 about an average guy who decides to become a superhero. To do so would be both a mistake and an insult to both films.
The star here is Rainn Wilson as Frank Darbo, an unstable guy who, after losing his wife (Liv Tyler) to a charismatic drug dealer (Kevin Bacon), decides to don a mask and tights, becoming the superhero vigilante, The Crimson Bolt. As the plot goes on, he finds companionship in Libby, a young clerk at a comic shop who later becomes his kid sidekick, Boltie (Ellen Page, giving an utterly stellar performance). Despite its superhero trappings, know that this is not a film in the same vein as Gunn's other comic book adventure, Guardians of the Galaxy; this is one of the absolute darkest comedies I have ever seen. Super is not a movie about a lovable goofball who capers around in tights to help the innocent. In reality, this is a film about the kind of damaged, insane person who would actually put on a costume and venture out into the night, brutally beating criminals with a pipe wrench in the name of justice. Anyone who's seen Slither knows that James Gunn has a knack for cinematic gore and violence; granted, the level of bloodshed in Super doesn't come anywhere close to the amount in Slither, but what is present is definitely effective.
Rounding out the supporting cast is Gregg Henry, playing a police detective who crosses paths with Frank a few times; truthfully, I feel as though this character wasn't even utilized to a fraction of his potential. One would expect him to have a major effect on the plot; in all actuality, he might as well have not even appeared at all for all he contributes (to be fair, what little there is of him is quite good, which makes me sad that there isn't more). There's also Kevin Bacon's gang of hired goons, played by Michael Rooker, Sean Gunn, and Stephen Blackeheart. Each of them play their roles well, though I feel as though they could have used a little more characterization beyond "hired goon". Linda Cardellini also appears as a pet store employee; like the rest of the supporting cast, she doesn't appear nearly as frequently as I would have liked. The only minor character who I feel got just the right amount of screentime was Nathan Fillion's Holy Avenger, a Christian superhero on public access television who inspires Frank to become a costumed crimefighter. His appearances, while scarce, are all utterly hilarious.
With all that said, this is really a story about Frank coping with his personal demons. It's not an ensemble piece; true, most of the cast receives little characterization, but this allows us to spend more time with Rainn Wilson, which pays off in the long run. The film hinges on the audience's emotional connection to Frank, so this is an area in which it definitely succeeds. There is a particular scene early on where we see Frank desperately praying after his first failed attempt to reclaim his wife; Wilson's performance is both pathetic and relatable in the most horribly sad kind of way. As entertaining as the entire cast manages to be (particularly Kevin Bacon, who makes for a brilliantly smug illegitimate businessman), it is the duo of Crimson Bolt and Boltie who truly make this film shine. Ellen Page's Libby is truthfully my favorite performance I've seen out of her; without spoiling anything, she takes the role to some truthfully unexpected places.
This being a James Gunn movie, the soundtrack is of course utterly stellar. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the amazing opening title sequence; the cast is introduced in animated form, made to look as if it was drawn in colored pencils and set to Calling All Destroyers by Tsar. It was honestly so good that I didn't want it to end (and I proceeded to watch the sequence an additional two times whilst writing this review). Between this and Guardians, it's clear that James Gunn has a divine gift for opening sequences. Despite the indie budget, the film manages to look pretty spectacular for the most part; all of the blood and gore and explosions look great, though there is a bit of somewhat dodgy CGI during a dream sequence (but again, considering the film's budget, it's understandable).
As much as I enjoyed it, I openly admit that Super is not for everyone. It's a tremendously dark picture that goes to some truly bleak, uncomfortable places. However, I also think that it's a thoroughly hilarious pitch-black comedy with some truly stellar writing, direction, and performances behind it. It's like a cup of fine, black coffee; if you can tolerate how dark and bitter it is, then there's really something fantastic to appreciate there. If any of this sounds like your type of flick, you'd be doing yourself a great disservice not to check this out.
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