REVIEW: Furry Vengeance

"Steve Carell and Jeremy Piven were considered for the role eventually given to Brendan Fraser."
That is a quote from the Wikipedia page for Furry Vengeance, a national tragedy from 2010 made by nobody for no one. I think it sums the film up quite nicely. The plot involves a bunch of forest animals hitting Brendan Fraser in the balls for an hour and a half. Ken Jeong shows up and sets the portrayal of Asian people in western cinema back a few decades while trying to build a housing development on a nature preserve. I question if I really want to go on living. It all ends more or less how you'd expect.

Actually, I apologize, that's incorrect. It doesn't end how you'd expect. At least, it didn't end how I expected it to end. Because I didn't expect it to end with an all-white, child-friendly version of Cyprus Hill's "Insane in the Brain". Spoiler Alert: it ends with an all-white, child-friendly version of Cyprus Hill's "Insane in the Brain". I didn't get far enough into the song to see how they cleaned up "like Louis Armstrong played the trumpet, I'll hit dat bong and break ya off something" because at this point I literally almost collapsed into a pile of hysterical tears. Side note, that is the last time I'll be using the word "hysterical" in this review. Because this movie is the worst garbage imaginable.

Honestly, I'd describe the plot some more, but that's really all there is to it. Brendan Fraser is businessman. Businessman's business is ruining the forest. Animals use wacky hijinks to annoy businessman. Everything more or less works out. Roll credits. There's so little development for everyone and everything; I went into this expecting to totally hate Brendan Fraser. I did, but because of his performance, not because of his character. He's not cartoonishly anti-environment or anything, he's just an average, boring guy. It's like if Clark Griswold were totally passive throughout the entirety of Christmas Vacation; it just doesn't work. Not that anything about this movie works, but still. He enters the scene, does something normal (drives a car, drinks coffee, etc.), the animals do something wacky, he lets out his trademark "REEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH", animals laugh at his misfortune, end scene. If you cut the animals out, it would play like a drama about a family man overcoming some kind of palsy.

"Check out Mr. Peepee Pants!"- Brendan Fraser, questioning his life choices thus far

Brendan Fraser's got a wife (Brooke Shields) who contributes nothing and a kid (Matt Prokop) who is the absolute worst character since Kai in Heavenly Sword. He's a petulant, sarcastic turd of a teenage stereotype who couldn't emote if his life depended on it; all he does throughout the entire movie is whine to Brendan Fraser about how he's ruining both the environment and his social life. Despite his constant complaining about the state of the environment, he constantly moans about how much he dislikes nature. That is, until he meets a hot girl who likes nature, then he loves nature. But he still also likes his dad. Or maybe he dislikes his dad. Like everything else in the film, the kid gets so little development that we don't really know or care about him at all. I'd say I wish he got more development, but that would mean more screentime and that would mean listening to his mopey, whinging tone for more of this catastrophe than I already had to. If you ask me, he got too much screentime as is. He should have had no screentime. No one should have had any screentime. Because this movie shouldn't exist. It's an affront to God and man and animal alike.

Pictured: an unedited still from Furry Vengeance starring Brendan Fraser

Speaking of animals, this movie has animals in it. As the title implies, they are furry and they do reap vengeance. Then again, not all of the animals within are furry (some have feathers), so the title isn't so much appropriate as it is utterly horrible. For the most part, the animals are all real animals. When they're doing something that real animals wouldn't normally be able to do (like dance to Le Freak, because that's still funny, right?), horrifying CGI puppets from a Playstation 2-era Cabela game take their place. All of the animals are voiced by Dee Bradly Baker; I'm not going to blame him for this, though. If someone told me I'd earn a paycheck for gargling into a microphone for an hour, I'd jump right on that. These animals aren't just normal animals though. It feels like some version of this film had the animals actually talk (I can't tell if that's better or worse than what we got), but instead they communicate through clip art of thought balloons that play footage we've already seen. When you think of ways that woodland creatures could take their "furry vengeance" on Brendan Fraser, you'd expect them to just bite his crotch or something (don't worry, there IS crotch-biting in this movie). Instead, they construct Rube Goldberg machines out of twigs and dirt, which they use to murder yuppies who intrude on their turf (specifically an uncredited Rob Riggle). It all sounds like if Stephen King snorted a bunch of Vicoden and tried to write a children's book.

To sum things up, Furry Vengeance starring Brendan Fraser is a terrible movie and I hated every second of it. That's all there is to say, really. It was just a very bad time. If I can say anything positive about it, it's that it made me think about my life. It made me truly contemplate what choices brought me to this point, in which I sit down at my computer and say "I am going to spend tonight watching Furry Vengeance starring Brendan Fraser".

Suffice to say, they weren't good choices. Learn from my example. If you end up watching Furry Vengeance, there's a chance that something is definitely wrong with your life. Seek help, godspeed, and be well.