REVIEW: Furry Vengeance

"Steve Carell and Jeremy Piven were considered for the role eventually given to Brendan Fraser."
That is a quote from the Wikipedia page for Furry Vengeance, a national tragedy from 2010 made by nobody for no one. I think it sums the film up quite nicely. The plot involves a bunch of forest animals hitting Brendan Fraser in the balls for an hour and a half. Ken Jeong shows up and sets the portrayal of Asian people in western cinema back a few decades while trying to build a housing development on a nature preserve. I question if I really want to go on living. It all ends more or less how you'd expect.

Actually, I apologize, that's incorrect. It doesn't end how you'd expect. At least, it didn't end how I expected it to end. Because I didn't expect it to end with an all-white, child-friendly version of Cyprus Hill's "Insane in the Brain". Spoiler Alert: it ends with an all-white, child-friendly version of Cyprus Hill's "Insane in the Brain". I didn't get far enough into the song to see how they cleaned up "like Louis Armstrong played the trumpet, I'll hit dat bong and break ya off something" because at this point I literally almost collapsed into a pile of hysterical tears. Side note, that is the last time I'll be using the word "hysterical" in this review. Because this movie is the worst garbage imaginable.

Honestly, I'd describe the plot some more, but that's really all there is to it. Brendan Fraser is businessman. Businessman's business is ruining the forest. Animals use wacky hijinks to annoy businessman. Everything more or less works out. Roll credits. There's so little development for everyone and everything; I went into this expecting to totally hate Brendan Fraser. I did, but because of his performance, not because of his character. He's not cartoonishly anti-environment or anything, he's just an average, boring guy. It's like if Clark Griswold were totally passive throughout the entirety of Christmas Vacation; it just doesn't work. Not that anything about this movie works, but still. He enters the scene, does something normal (drives a car, drinks coffee, etc.), the animals do something wacky, he lets out his trademark "REEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH", animals laugh at his misfortune, end scene. If you cut the animals out, it would play like a drama about a family man overcoming some kind of palsy.

"Check out Mr. Peepee Pants!"- Brendan Fraser, questioning his life choices thus far

Brendan Fraser's got a wife (Brooke Shields) who contributes nothing and a kid (Matt Prokop) who is the absolute worst character since Kai in Heavenly Sword. He's a petulant, sarcastic turd of a teenage stereotype who couldn't emote if his life depended on it; all he does throughout the entire movie is whine to Brendan Fraser about how he's ruining both the environment and his social life. Despite his constant complaining about the state of the environment, he constantly moans about how much he dislikes nature. That is, until he meets a hot girl who likes nature, then he loves nature. But he still also likes his dad. Or maybe he dislikes his dad. Like everything else in the film, the kid gets so little development that we don't really know or care about him at all. I'd say I wish he got more development, but that would mean more screentime and that would mean listening to his mopey, whinging tone for more of this catastrophe than I already had to. If you ask me, he got too much screentime as is. He should have had no screentime. No one should have had any screentime. Because this movie shouldn't exist. It's an affront to God and man and animal alike.

Pictured: an unedited still from Furry Vengeance starring Brendan Fraser

Speaking of animals, this movie has animals in it. As the title implies, they are furry and they do reap vengeance. Then again, not all of the animals within are furry (some have feathers), so the title isn't so much appropriate as it is utterly horrible. For the most part, the animals are all real animals. When they're doing something that real animals wouldn't normally be able to do (like dance to Le Freak, because that's still funny, right?), horrifying CGI puppets from a Playstation 2-era Cabela game take their place. All of the animals are voiced by Dee Bradly Baker; I'm not going to blame him for this, though. If someone told me I'd earn a paycheck for gargling into a microphone for an hour, I'd jump right on that. These animals aren't just normal animals though. It feels like some version of this film had the animals actually talk (I can't tell if that's better or worse than what we got), but instead they communicate through clip art of thought balloons that play footage we've already seen. When you think of ways that woodland creatures could take their "furry vengeance" on Brendan Fraser, you'd expect them to just bite his crotch or something (don't worry, there IS crotch-biting in this movie). Instead, they construct Rube Goldberg machines out of twigs and dirt, which they use to murder yuppies who intrude on their turf (specifically an uncredited Rob Riggle). It all sounds like if Stephen King snorted a bunch of Vicoden and tried to write a children's book.

To sum things up, Furry Vengeance starring Brendan Fraser is a terrible movie and I hated every second of it. That's all there is to say, really. It was just a very bad time. If I can say anything positive about it, it's that it made me think about my life. It made me truly contemplate what choices brought me to this point, in which I sit down at my computer and say "I am going to spend tonight watching Furry Vengeance starring Brendan Fraser".

Suffice to say, they weren't good choices. Learn from my example. If you end up watching Furry Vengeance, there's a chance that something is definitely wrong with your life. Seek help, godspeed, and be well.

REVIEW: Housebound

Housebound is an odd choice for me, simply because I haven't heard anything about it before I spotted it amongst the recent additions on Netflix. The plot synopsis caught my attention (as well as the fairly high user rating) and I decided I'd give it a watch. This was an impulse viewing that I don't regret in the slightest. Released at last year's SXSW festival, Housebound is an indie horror/comedy out of New Zealand about a troubled young woman named Kylie (Morgana O'Reilly). After a petty robbery goes south, she is sentenced to house arrest and confined to her childhood home alongside the company of her folksy, estranged mother (Rima Te Wiata) and stepfather (Ross Harper). However, after Kylie returns home, odd occurrences lead her to believe that the house is haunted by a vengeful spirit.

That may sound like a fairly pedestrian haunted house plot, and for the first half or so of the film, it is. That said, the story definitely takes some interesting turns as the plot progresses. One of the facets that I found particularly fascinating is that, by the midway point, basically all of the main cast accepts that the house is haunted. There's no decrying the creepy events that take place as swamp gas or a renegade weather balloon here; they accept that a ghost is behind it and then go about attempting to solve the problem. It can be pretty simple to make a horror/comedy; simply tell a basic ghost story, but have funny things happen instead of scary things. Had Homebound taken the easy way out in such a fashion, the final result would't be nearly as strong as it is. This is a film that takes the time to think outside the box and subvert your expectations on a few occasions over the course of its roughly 107-minute runtime. The comedy at play here feels more akin to the jokes in a movie like Scream or Army of Darkness; the humor isn't derived so much from actual "jokes", but more from the actors' delivery or the situation they're placed in. It's a subtle kind of comedy, but I still found myself laughing out loud a few times here and there. Despite all the humor, it works as a really excellent horror film as well. Sending your character into a dark, musty basement by themselves at night is a bit of an easy environment to generate scares in, but the picture does a great job of generating suspense and tense moments. This is Gerard Johnstone's directorial debut; I believe he could really make something chilling if he decided to make a straight-up horror flick, since he clearly understands how the genre works.

All that said, it's not without its flaws. Despite a strong script being delivered by an equally strong cast, the film feels a good deal longer than it really is. It doesn't flow that well for the most part and it feels like there was trouble when it came to deciding when a scene should end. While it is quite funny, the laughs are somewhat inconsistent; instead of feeling like a mix of horror and comedy, each scene feels like it's going to be either one or the other, and it's not until the climax (which was the highlight of the film for me) that things really start to work like a well-oiled machine. The characters are all enjoyable to watch (I particularly enjoyed Glen-Paul Waru as Amos, a security technician/amateur ghost hunter), but I really feel as though the more serious character moments could have been handled better (though there are two notable exceptions that come to mind; one involving Kylie and her stepfather, the other coming into play during the climax). All in all, it's a little rough around the edges, but when it gets it right, it gets it outstandingly right.

Housebound is an intriguing piece of work and a fine start for a new director (whom I really hope to see more from, especially if it falls into the horror genre). It manages to accomplish its goals as both a horror film, a comedy, and a film in general, though some facets of the final product could have used a bit of fine-tuning. Apparently it was recently announced that New Line Cinema is planning a localized American remake; this is a practice I'm normally not in favor of (especially in a case such as this, where the entire cast is speaking English throughout), but perhaps a second-time around will iron out some of the creases that keep this good film from becoming a great film.

REVIEW: Kingsman- The Secret Service

Kingsman: The Secret Service was a bit of an enigma for a while. I remember seeing trailers for this thing AGES ago and not really being sure of what to make of it. At long last, after a bunch of delays and date changes, I've finally gotten around to seeing it in the theaters. This was the first film of 2015 I've been able to check out and I must say, it's a fantastic way to start the year off.

The film is a loose adaptation of The Secret Service, a comic book from Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons; I haven't read the source material, but judging from the synopses I've glanced at, the movie does deviate pretty substantially, so any diehard fans of the comics should temper their expectations. The plot revolves around Gary "Eggsy" Unwin (Taron Egerton), a talented young man who lives with his mother, baby sister, and abusive stepfather in a dingy London tenement. After getting arrested, Eggsy finds himself sprung by Harry "Galahad" Hart (Colin Firth), a member of the secret spy society known as Kingsman. It turns out that Eggsy's birth father was an agent for Kingsman alongside Galahad, but unfortunately died on a mission while his son was still young. Now that he's grown, Galahad intends to help the young man turn his life around by giving him the chance to join the ranks of this new-age order of knights. Things are complicated by the workings of the eccentric billionaire, Richmond Valentine (played by Samuel L. Jackson, lisping up a storm). I won't go into the details of his evil plan, but just know that it's a cheesy bit of megalomaniacal gold dug right out of a classic-era Bond film. Really, that description sums up this entire film.

This may be a bit of a lazy comparison, but Kingsman is to classic spy movies as Attack the Block is to classic alien-invasion movies. Not just because they both feature young British hoodrats as their protagonists, but because they fully embrace and celebrate all the trappings of the films of old while at the same time bringing them forward into the modern age. That said, Kingsman is a breath of fresh air in today's wealth of gunmetal gray espionage action thrillers. The agents wear suits and carry gadgets disguised as ordinary objects while the villain hosts lavish parties in his secret mountain lair. This isn't a full-on parody like the Austin Powers films, but the movie's tongue is planted firmly in its cheek. That's not to say that this is a movie completely devoid of substance, however. A film can be both fun and well-made at the same time, and Kingsman is proof of that. The characters' actions all carry a good amount of weight; as goofy as Valentine's plan is, you feel the tension mounting as Eggsy and company attempt to thwart him.

"Fun" is a word that will certainly show up a lot in this review, and that's because it's possibly the best way to describe this movie. The action scenes are a joy to look at, featuring an absurd amount of frenetic violence shot in an off-kilter, kinetic fashion. That said, you can always tell what's going on. The cinematography (especially during the fights) is brilliant; leagues above the nausea-inducing shaky-cam one would find in a movie like Batman Begins. Vaughn is a director who understands how to shoot his action; it's a spectacle. It's something that the audience is meant to watch and gape over, so the best way to achieve that effect is to just show it to the audience and let them gape over it. The soundtrack is pretty great too; I can appreciate when a film opens with an assault on the Middle East set to "Money For Nothing".

Kudos must be given to the supporting cast as well. Mark Hamill (who I love to see in anything) plays Professor James Arnold, a stuffy academic who studies climate change. Mark Strong does a great job as the Kingsman's equivalent of Q (yes, his name is Merlin); he also teaches the trainees and leads them through their various trials and tests. Michael Caine shows up as Arthur, the head of Kingsman and Sophie Cookson plays Roxy, one of Eggsy's fellow agents-in-training. Special consideration must be given to Sophia Boutella, who portrays Gazelle, Valentine's amputee bodyguard. The idea of a nimble acrobat flipping around stabbing and slicing people with prosthetic sword legs is such a stupidly cool concept and it ends up looking fantastic on screen. The film really builds her up as a physical threat, and when it comes time for her to throw down, she doesn't disappoint.

Kingsman: The Secret Service is a really excellent bit of fun, celebrating all the gadgets and secret lairs and other assorted trappings that everyone remembers fondly about the old James Bond films. As fun as it gets, it never feels embarrassing or too self-referential; it balances just the right amount of homage and cheese with just the right amount of actual story and character to make something that's just a well-made joy to watch. I eagerly await a sequel and implore anyone who's ever pretended their umbrella was a bulletproof-shield to go give it a watch.

REVIEW: The Interview

Honestly, this one seemed a tad inevitable. Considering all the controversy that bubbled up last year around Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg's The Interview, I would be remiss if I didn't give it a watch. Now that I've seen it, I think it's safe to say that this is the new definitive example of making a mountain out of a molehill. I'd like to save everyone some time here at the beginning of this review, before I actually start talking about the movie. If you enjoyed previous Rogen/Goldberg/Franco outings like Pineapple Express or This Is the End, you'll probably enjoy The Interview, since it's the same kind of bromantic "buddies got together and had fun making a movie" style comedy that they usually produce. If you didn't enjoy any of those movies, then you probably won't like The Interview for the same reason.

The plot involves James Franco's incompetent-but-charismatic celebrity talkshow host, Dave Skylark. Upon learning that Kim Jong-un is a fan of his show, he and his producer, Aaron Rapoport (Seth Rogen) arrange an interview with the enigmatic dictator in his homeland of North Korea. They are soon contacted by the CIA, who request that the two assassinate Kim for the good of the world. They reluctantly agree and set off on their mission. It's a simple, if unorthodox, plot that really takes a backseat to the jokes and, surprisingly enough, the character development. It's no secret that the ACTUAL Kim Jong-un was less than flattered with his depiction in the film; that reaction isn't exactly surprising, considering the places this movie goes, but Randall Park's performance as the Supreme Leader is easily the highlight of the entire feature.

The film plays with the idea that Kim Jong-un is a master manipulator of the press and media (as Rogen points out, Franco IS the media); throughout the majority of the film, we're not certain if what we're seeing is really Kim's true colors or just an elaborate facade meant to trick the easily distracted Skylark. It helps that a character as mysterious as Kim Jung-un is played by an actor who usually plays minor roles; everything about the way Park acts on screen, from his body language to his delivery is absolutely perfect. When he tells James Franco "sometimes I feel like a plastic bag...", I honestly got a bit teary eyed. Because I was laughing so hard.

 James Franco and Seth Rogen fall into their usual roles of "crude goofball manchild" and "high-strung goofball straight man"; it's basically the same relationship their characters have in every one of these movies, but the formula works and compliments the chemistry they have on screen. Diana Bang is another standout, portraying North Korean propagandist, Sook Yung Park. Thankfully, her character isn't a one-note excuse to have an Asian person say things in a funny accent. If there's one thing I could say to anyone unsure about watching this movie (aside from praising Randall Park's performance), it would be that none of the best jokes are in the trailers (and that the few funny jokes in the trailers are much better when given context). If I had to compare it to the usual offerings from Franco, Rogen, and company, I'd say that those films are generally more consistent with their humor than The Interview is; it doesn't have as many "big jokes", but the ones it does have are top-knotch.

I went into this with only the slightest idea of what to expect. Responses had been thoroughly mixed and for every person who genuinely enjoyed or disliked it, there were a dozen who loved it because it represented victory over censorship or hated it because they wanted to be different. Having watched it in its entirety, I can safely say: it's pretty good. It's not amazing, it's not terrible, it's pretty good. Some parts of the movie are really fantastic (Randall Park's Kim Jong-un), others not so much (aside from a fun opening sequence and a great cameo from Eminem, the movie doesn't really begin until Franco and Rogen are off to North Korea). I wasn't laughing non-stop, but when I did, I laughed hard. Honestly, I have to give the movie credit; when the third act rolls around, the plot actually manages to get surprisingly compelling and the whole thing turns into a half-decent action flick (while still retaining the style of humor that's present throughout the rest of the film). If you're a fan of this style of comedy or you just want to see what all the hubbub and terroristic threats were all about, I suggest you check it out; it's a pretty fun watch.