REVIEW: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a bad film. I say this not only as a fan of the Ninja Turtles, but as a fan of cinema in general. Granted, we could have gotten something much, much worse, with an anglofied Shredder and an outerspace turtle dimension, but one can hardly use the evidence as to what this film almost was to defend what this film is. You might as well look at a plane crash with no fatalities and label it a successful flight, simply because "hey, things could have been way, way worse".

I would say that the plot should be familiar to everyone, considering the origin of the Ninja Turtles is roughly as iconic as those of Spider-Man or Batman by now; four baby turtles are exposed to some mutagenic ooze and are raised by a mutant rat who teaches them the ways of ninjitsu and names them after famous Renaissance painters. I would say this, had the plot to this movie not come off as an attempt to change the source material in as many negative ways as possible. In this interpretation, it was a young April O'Neil (here portrayed by Megan Fox, whom Hollywood is still trying to convince us is the hottest woman alive for some reason) who named Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michaelangelo (Johnny Knoxville/Pete Ploszek, Jeremy Howard, Alan Ritchson, and Noel Fisher respectively) and introduced them to the joys of pizza. She named Splinter (mo-capped by Danny Woodburn, voiced by Tony Shaloub) as well, ushering them to the safety of a nearby sewer grate when her father's laboratory goes up in flames. After she liberates the test animals from the blazing inferno instead of saving her own father, the critters begin to grow and mutate in the sewers of New York City, growing up into shadowy teenage protectors who defend the Big Apple from the evil forces of the Foot Clan.

It's really baffling to me why so many of these changes were made. Is it really necessary to tie April's origins so closely to those of the turtles? Just how many pages of script did this massive convenience save? I can understand streamlining some aspects of a story when it is adapted to the big screen; a film has way less time to tell a tale than a book or a TV show. That said, every major change here works to the disservice of the film. In the original source material, Master Splinter was the pet rat of one Hamato Yoshi, a master of Japanese martial arts. After Yoshi is murdered by the Shredder and Splinter is mutated into the turtles' sensei, he applies what he learned from watching his old master to train them in the ways of the ninja. It's a little silly to imagine a pet rat retaining that kind of information (let alone harboring notions of samurai vengeance), but it's a bit of a silly property. You're allowed to be a little far-fetched in a movie about adolescent genetically-altered kung-fu terrapins. For seemingly no reason, the filmmakers at Platinum Dunes felt it necessary to alter this story point so that Splinter teaches the four turtles out of a ninjitsu book he happened to find in the sewer. With this simple alteration, the filmmakers have eliminated any and all gravitas between Splinter and Shredder. Imagine if, instead of being Luke's father, Darth Vader was just some guy. Now imagine how much this slight change would take away from the climax of Return of the Jedi. It's a pointless addition that does nothing to help the final product, but then again, that appears to be a recurring theme with this movie.

Speaking of villains, the ones here are completely mediocre; given the diverse array of loud, colorful baddies that fill the Turtles' rogues gallery, this is one of the worst possible things they could be. I'm almost tempted to say that the Shredder (Tohoru Masamune) is pretty cool, but I just can't bring myself to do it. His robotic battlesuit is an overly-busy hunk of blades and chrome leftover from one of the Transformers movies and any time spent out of his power armor has him relegated to the classic role of "shadowy threatening Japanese man who speaks to his lackeys in Japanese, only for them to reply in English". I suppose children don't like reading, after all. Our other villain comes in the form of Eric Sacks (William Fitchner), Shredder's adopted son. His plan is to release a bunch of toxic gas from the roof of his own skyscraper, then sell the antidote to the US government for an absurd amount of money. He hopes to do this all without anyone realizing that the poisoning of New York was his doing, despite the gas being released from the roof of his building and stored in containers with his company name emblazoned on them. He and Shredder attempt to execute this masterstroke without either of them wearing a gas mask. So a fabulously wealthy man attempts a poorly-thought-out act of domestic terrorism in an attempt to become marginally more wealthy; this is the primary conflict of this movie. We don't even get closure when it comes to the antagonists. We last see Shredder laying in a crater in Times Square and Sacks gets clobbered by Will Arnett before disappearing entirely. One might think Will Arnett is the one saving grace here, but he is sadly given nothing good to work with (though the film did earn a fair amount of brownie points for an admittedly brilliant Arrested Development reference).

Truthfully, the only thing this movie got even marginally right is the Turtles themselves. Leo, Donnie, Raph, and Mike are all genuinely enjoyable to watch (when they're not farting or spouting already-dated pop culture references, that is). The best scene in the entire movie is the four of them just beat-boxing like goofballs in an elevator right before the final battle; it's a nice, genuine moment in a soulless, cynical cash-grab of a movie. Had there been more moments where this film acted like an actual film, in which strong moments are born of good characters interacting with each other, there would be something salvageable here. One of the things I really adored about James Gunn's Guardians of the Galaxy (coincidentally released just one week before Ninja Turtles in the summer of 2014) was that it felt like a labor of love. There was a legitimate feeling that the filmmaker believed in his product and wanted to deliver a good adaptation of a property that people would enjoy. There was love and care and substance put into it from the very beginning. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, on the other hand, is not that kind of movie. 

This is the kind of movie that feels as though it was born and crafted in a board room, made not out of passion, but out of necessity. The cartoon is doing well, the toys are selling, we need a film adaptation; it doesn't need to be GOOD, children will see anything. Just make a movie about Ninja Turtles, toss in some blatant ads for Skype and Project Almanac and call it a day. The most tragic irony is, even when viewed from this pessimistic perspective, the movie still fails. This isn't a movie about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; it's a movie about April O'Neil and occasionally Raphael. Then again, the sequel's going to have WWE's Sheamus as a giant talking rhinoceros, so maybe there's something salvageable here after all.

REVIEW: Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

It's a rare thing for a movie to illicit a physical emotional response out of me. I'm by no means made of stone, but there's a difference between something that's funny and something that makes me laugh, the same way there's a difference between something that's tragic or touching and something that actually makes me cry. Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World is a film that managed to do both before the credits rolled.

The film opens with a news report informing us of a massive meteor that is set to collide with Earth in a mere three weeks. The impact will end all life on the planet and people are reacting to the prospect of imminent doom better than one would imagine. This is the first little detail that I truly enjoyed about this movie; it's easily the most down-to-earth portrayal of the apocalypse that I've ever seen. Things don't go from "fine and dandy" to "Mad Max but somehow worse" within the span of a day; in the early stages, people even still attend their boring desk jobs, as evidenced with our protagonist, Dodge (Steve Carell). After his wife leaves him, he's left without purpose. The realization slowly sinks in that he is going to die alone and totally unfulfilled once the meteor hits. His outlook begins to change after he meets Penny (Keira Knightley), a neighbor from upstairs. She reveals that the mailman had been delivering Dodge's mail to her apartment for the past few months by mistake (she just hadn't gotten around to returning it yet). After finding a letter from Dodge's old high school sweetheart proclaiming that she still loves him, the two set out on a journey to reunite Dodge with the one that got away while at the same time attempting to reunite Penny with her family in England.

At its core, this is a simple roadtrip movie. A lonely sadsack and his optimistic friend race against time to get to an emotionally significant location, encountering all sorts of strange characters along the way. The thing that really makes this movie unique is the backdrop; it really plays around a lot with how different people react to the end of the world (the most pedestrian example being the riots that cause our protagonists to leave New York in the first place). Instead of killing each other and declaring martial law, mankind remains in some semblance of order (at least in the part of the world we see during the film). As the meteor approaches, people are let off of work, the police are more lax, the news stays on to give people updates. It's a very mellow kind of end that you really don't see that often in apocalypse movies. This is the kind of movie where doomed people do comical amounts of drugs and engage in casual sex rather than eat each other alive; it's both funny, refreshing, and interesting at the same time. It makes you wonder, what would you really be doing in a situation such as this? This is less armageddon and more Friday night; characters are either out engaging in shallow, overindulgent fun, or they're sitting at home, contemplating what remains of their life. The aspect of the ticking clock in this movie is unique, in that it's not some shallow plot device. If they arrive too late, the love of Dodge's life isn't going to marry some stuck-up rich guy or move to Europe; human existence will simply cease to be. They are given a time limit; once it expires, literally everything ends. As an audience, it's very easy to connect our own mortality with those of the characters on screen. It's a movie about people making the absolute best out of the absolute worst scenario possible.

The reason it works as well as it does is mostly in part to the performances of Steve Carell and Keira Knightley. I can't think of two actors who would be better suited to take on these roles; not that the characters are particularly unique in concept, but the chemistry on display between the two is what makes this film work as well as it does. The focus here isn't on the apocalypse; as interesting as that aspect is, it's merely the staging for these characters to work around. It's not a movie about the world ending so much as it is about the people who will be there when it does. The apocalypse is always shown in film as something in the far-off future, something we would never have to deal with. And even if there is something afterwards, there will definitely be survivors fit to go on all kinds of badass adventures. In this case, the end is here NOW, and as far as we know, there isn't anything afterwards. This is a film that says "here is the amount of time you and literally every other human on the planet has left, do what you will with it". The result of such a scenario manages to be a stellar mix between hilarious, touching, and heartbreaking.

Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World is a fantastic film that raises the question, "if it was all going to end tomorrow, would you be happy with your life?", before pointing out that, if the answer is "no", there's no time like the present to go out and fix it. It puts into perspective just how little time we have on this planet; as far as I'm concerned, the time I spent watching this movie was time well spent.

REVIEW: Princess Mononoke

Only recently have I begun getting into the works of Hayao Miyazaki; I've known about his films for what feels like all my life, seeing Totoro dolls in Disney World and remembering commercials for Spirited Away on Toonami. Even though I hadn't seen a single one of his movies until relatively recently, these films were omnipresent in my view of pop culture; for as long as I can remember, I've known about the likes of Howl's Moving Castle and Kiki's Delivery Service. I've always been fairly familiar with anime in general, but it was always evident that the works of Studio Ghibli were something more. Something bigger and better, beyond the scope of the stuff I would watch on Cartoon Network or Kids WB as a child. Whenever anyone talks about the best Ghibli films, Princess Mononoke is a name that invariably comes up every single time. Having finally seen it, I can completely understand why.

The plot involves young Prince Ashitaka (voiced in the English dub by Billy Crudup); after saving his village from a rampaging demon, his arm becomes infected with a curse; while it greatly improves his strength and fighting ability, it will also eventually kill him. Exiled from his village, he sets out on a journey to find the cause of the corruption in hopes of stopping it and saving himself from a horrible fate. In his travels, he comes across Irontown, a formidable stronghold operated by Lady Eboshi (Minnie Driver), a powerful and self-assured leader who finds herself and her people constantly at odds with the inhabitants of a nearby forest. Their continual clearing of trees and mining operations have disrupted the balance of nature, causing conflicts with the forest gods who reside within. San (Claire Danes), a young woman who lives amongst the wolves within the forest, continually disrupts Eboshi's plans, attempting to assassinate her at every given opportunity. As this conflict between nature and human industry reaches a head, the duty falls to Ashitaka to restore balance. If it isn't evident by now, I watched the English dub released by Miramax. Like one would expect from Ghibli, it's an excellent dub, retaining nearly everything from the original Japanese version, save for some cultural terms or references here and there that add nothing and would be lost on a western audience, had they remained.

Everyone here does an excellent job, particularly Gillian Anderson as Moro, a forest god in the form of a giant, white wolf. There's just something in her voice that sounds so completely ancient and powerful; as she growls out her lines, you get the impression that this is a being who demands and deserves respect from all. Minnie Driver is also quite good as Lady Eboshi, lending the character a real air of authority. No matter what happens, she sounds in control and confident, which perfectly compliments both the character's position in life as well as her personality. The only addition to the voice cast that I'm not totally sold on is Billy Bob Thornton as the shrewd monk, Jiko-Bo. He nails the character's down-to-earth nature, but the tiny smidge of southern drawl that remains clashes both with the Muromachi-era aesthetic as well as the rest of the voice cast. He does a good job, but he sticks out like a sore thumb.

As good as the voice cast here is, it's by no means the main selling point of this movie. The animation is utterly stunning, imbuing everything with a feeling of organic life. The forest is so verdant and earthy, you can almost smell the moss growing on the trees; this is a movie where every frame is a masterpiece. The fight choreography and cinematography are more impressive than most live-action films I've seen; even though this is animation, the hits and movement have weight and gravitas to them. It all flows in a way that only animation can, but at no point does it look like a simple, silly cartoon. In the most basic terms, this is a movie about nature. Therefore, it is important that it feels natural; the forest feels like a real place, teeming with all forms of life and energy while Irontown has a much colder, inorganic feeling about it. It uses light and color to draw a very distinct line between the world of man and the world of nature; and it's this facet, the relationship between these two worlds, that I feel is the film's greatest strength.

As I mentioned, the main conflict in this film arises between the natural and human world's inability to live in harmony. This film shines in that there is no black or white morality to be found here; even the characters that stray closest to becoming villains have some manner of redeeming quality about them. Eboshi is literally waging war on nature, attempting to kill the Great Forest Spirit in order to suit her business interests. However, she also provides lives for women rescued from brothels and lepers who have nowhere else to turn. Her actions aren't motivated by a cartoonish sense of greed and entitlement, but rather by a desire to provide a good life for her people. She sees the forest as an adversary, so she does all she can to get it out of the way in the name of her community. While Moro fights for the survival of the forest, she and her fellow forest gods show little regard for human life. Again, they act not out of malice, but in defense for those they swore to protect. There are no objective good guys or bad guys here, just two sides that cannot see how intertwined they truly are. San and Ashitaka are the bridge between these two worlds; humans who are tied to nature at their core. So often, films that claim that humanity is harmful to nature fail to point out that humanity is nature. We aren't a hostile alien race that invaded a beautiful planet full of greenery, but rather one of countless species of animals that depends on nature to survive. This is a film that shows both sides of nature and civilization; while nature is pure and innocent, it is also harsh and uncaring. Humanity may be greedy and destructive at times, but we also possess empathy and reason. Both sides have something to contribute in tandem with each other because, at the root of all things, they are the same. By the end of the film, the "winner" isn't the humans or the forest, but rather life as a whole. It's a mature look at environmental issues that films of this type could really learn from.

Princess Mononoke is a masterpiece in every sense of the word. Packed to the brim with both style and substance, it is undoubtedly one of those films that everyone needs to see at least once in their lifetime. If you're uninitiated to the works of Miyazaki as I once was, Princess Mononoke is a stellar place to start your journey.

REVIEW: Snowpiercer

Chris Evans seems to be everywhere and nowhere these days; everyone knows who he is, but that's mostly just from his roles as Captain America. While he's a superb Steve Rogers, his part in the Marvel Cinematic Universe hardly gives him too much room to really showcase his talent as an actor; Snowpiercer is a film that allows us to see just how good he can be outside of a big-budget blockbuster.

After a would-be cure for global warming works too well and causes a second ice age, the last remnants of an all-but-extinct humanity survive on the titular locomotive; inside is a microcosm of all walks of life, from the privileged first class in the front of the train, all the way to the downtrodden dregs in the rear. Evans stars as Curtis Everett; alongside fellow passengers Gilliam (John Hurt) and Edger (Jamie Bell), he rallies the members of the lower class to rise up in revolt and work their way to the front of the train, one car at a time. It's a really unique premise, even if it seems more than a little far-fetched at first. As cool as this world is, I was asking myself "but why a train" within the first five minutes. Rest assured, my questions were all answered in due time. This is a film in the same realm as Mad Max: Fury Road; while this portrayal of the post-apocalyptic future is certainly odd and a little over-the-top at times, everything makes sense within the movie's own sense of logic. 

For a movie with such a large and varied cast, it's really quite impressive that there's no real weak players. Everyone gives an excellent and memorable performance, which is the most important thing in a film such as this. The budget isn't exactly sky-high, so the weight is placed more on characters than on spectacle. If we didn't care about the people in this scenario, there would be nothing here but some really neat set design and some solid, inventive action sequences. The fact that I audibly said "NO" when certain characters were killed speaks volumes to the performances on display here; John Hurt, Tilda Swinton, and Chris Evans in particular being the standouts. Hurt plays Gilliam, an elderly crippled man and Curtis' mentor. While he can't do much, he emanates wisdom and grace; it's something of an old trope, the old wise man of the downtrodden people, but damned if John Hurt doesn't play the part exceedingly well. On the antagonistic side, we have Tilda Swinton as Minister Mason, a fanatical puppet underling for Wilford (Ed Harris), the mysterious mastermind behind life on the train. This character is just so memorable and enjoyable to watch; she's a high-ranking officer of the upper class who takes immense pleasure in enforcing order amongst those below her. Swinton acts as the quintessential scheming politician, ready to say anything if it'll save her own skin. You're never able to fully get a bead on who she really is or what she's about to do, making her both despicable, mysterious, and hilarious all at the same time.

Of course, in the leading role, we have Chris Evans as Curtis. At first glance, this may seem like the same kind of role one would expect out of Evans these days; he's the handsome leader, fighting for freedom and justice and all that good stuff. But beneath that, we have a truly interesting character who doesn't exactly want to be the hero. Not because he's selfish, but because he believes himself unworthy compared to those around him. He's arguably the most capable person in the back of the train, born to be a leader, but the ghosts of his past keep him from believing in himself. I wasn't completely sold on this character from the get-go, but by the end of the movie I was wholly convinced that Evans was definitely one of the strongest aspects of the entire film. 

Outside of the performances, one must truly praise the visual design in this movie. The CGI for exterior shots of the train is quite frankly garbage, but the interior of each car is so visually diverse and interesting; from the dingy, grimy back of the train, to the spotless, excessive front, every car has a distinct feeling to it, setting the tone for each scene. The action is shot really well here too, hitting hard and being exciting without relying on wide-open spaces or excessive amounts of CGI blood. All the action takes place within train cars, so the actors only have so much space to work with; thanks in-part to the martial arts talents of actors like Luke Pasqualino (Grey, Gilliam's bodyguard), each action sequence has something unique that prevents it from just coming down to a couple of burly guys having an awkward punch-up in a metal box. The only problem I have with this movie is a few dashes of inconsistency. A few characters are killed off without ever getting the chance to complete their arc; while this keeps tension high, it also feels a little cheap at times (especially when that character's arc has been built up as a plot point). There's also the matter of Yona (Ah-sung Ko), the daughter of a convict who designed the security systems on the Snowpiercer (Kang-ho Song). It's implied at one point that she has precognition and is able to tell when there are people on the other side of the doors separating each train compartment. This is brought up and used exactly once, and then never mentioned again. Considering how this is a somewhat grounded film (again, within its own logic), the idea of people seeing the future seems like kind of a huge plot point to just mention once and then never revisit. Perhaps more scenes of this were cut from the final draft (considering that the whole thing has a really solid pace, despite being just over two hours in length), but what remains of this plot point just feels unnecessary.

Snowpiercer is great because, even without the great performances, it could have gotten by with a pass just by being cool. I'm not sure if I made it clear, but this is a really cool movie. The action is cool, the premise is cool, the world it creates is really, really cool. Everything about this is just awesome to look at and explore. It's just icing on the cake that the cast is packed full of great and talented actors giving memorable performances while all this coolness is happening around them. If you're looking for a really slick action feature with some gorgeous visual design and a surprisingly great sense of humor, definitely give Snowpiercer a watch.