REVIEW: The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

I like to think that keeping up with this blog has exposed me to a varied assortment of films; really, that was the point of this entire thing, to expand my cinematic horizons a little. Out of everything I've watched, I can say with no hesitation that the most painful experiences are always products of the "we have the license and need to make money" school of filmmaking. Movies like Heavenly Sword or Jem and the Holograms; projects born in a board room for the express purpose of cashing in on the recognizability of an established brand. It doesn't matter if the world needs a new Ghostbusters or a new Point Break, the important thing is that people recognize the brand and will invariably spend money on it. In the eyes of the studio, a familiar face is all that is needed to lure the consumer into that showing of Yogi Bear like so many ignorant sheep to the slaughter. 

After the first Flintstones movie did inexplicably well at the box office despite getting mercilessly trashed by critics, Universal Studios (referred to in the opening graphic as "UniverSHELL", so as to prepare the audience for the veritable bukkakke of puns this film has in store for them) saw fit to unleash a prequel unto the world over half a decade later. With nearly twice the budget of the original and none of the cast returning (aside from archived audio of Mel Blanc and mandatory cameos by the late William Hanna and Joseph Barberra), it's no surprise that The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas tanked financially as well as critically. When one of the only positive features of your movie is John Goodman (let's be honest here, playing the role he was born to play) you don't replace him with Mark Addy.

That's right, Game of Thrones fans. In this movie, Fred Flintstone is played by Robert of the House Baratheon, the First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm. I honestly don't know what I find funnier, this casting choice or the fact that he honestly does a pretty solid job. The film finds him and Barney (once played by Rick Moranis, now portrayed by Stephen Baldwin in what may be the ultimate downgrade) as young bachelors living together in a time before married life, Fruity Pebbles, and John Cena. A cloying CG alien known as The Great Gazoo (Alan Cumming, as seen in all your future nightmares) has been sent to Earth to observe the mating rituals of humans, and Fred and Barney just happen to fit the bill. So yes, this is a movie where Alan Cumming has to watch the Flintstones mate with each other.

Aside from that horrifying prospect, the film follows Fred and Barney as they meet their future spouses, Wilma and Betty (Kristen Johnston and 30 Rock's Jane Krakowski), and go on a luxury vacation to the glamorous city of Rock Vegas. Despite the film's name, they only make it to the titular city halfway through the runtime. It's essentially as if the first Star Wars was called Luke Skywalker's Adventures on Tatooine. The whole time, a pretty-boy casino magnate by the name of Chip Rockefeller (Thomas Gibson) attempts to ruin Fred's lovelife so he can marry Wilma and use her family fortune to pay off his debts to the mafia. As one can tell, this is clearly a dense plot designed only for the most astute and discerning of moviegoers.

I honestly can't envision life on the set of this production. There can't be a single person involved with this picture who actually believed in it. I refuse the notion that a single person walked onto the set of the live-action Flintstones prequel and felt any modicum of pride in their work, as though they were making a grand contribution to the annals of film history. The plot is as predictable as they come, the script is 80% rock puns, and the humor fluctuates from groan-inducing to outright uncomfortable. Less than five minutes in we get a scene in which a cartoon dinosaur farts on several people and there's more than one reference to Barney Rubble's sex life. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I don't want to envision Barney Rubble having sex with anything; his trademark dopey laugh is the stuff barren wombs are made of. I know it's the new millennium and you need to put something in your children's movie for the grown-ups to laugh at, but the mental image of Stephen Baldwin getting laid on a first date (presumably uttering rock puns and eating stolen Cocoa Pebbles while doing so) is not a pleasant one.

I wish I could find a positive here, some sort of compliment to the cast, but I'm really just drawing a blank. Mark Addy is a passable Fred Flintstone and Jane Krakowski at least appears to be trying (despite every moment she's on screen looking like a 30 Rock flashback to the time Jenna Malone starred in a Flintstones movie), but everyone here is so utterly unenthused. Alan Cumming's Gazoo is just as annoying and unnecessary here as he was in the original cartoon and Kristen Johnston appears as thrilled as if she'd just been set up on a blind date with a spoiled tuna sandwich. I suppose I can give some degree of credit to the set design? There's nothing in the real world that really resembles anything on The Flintstones, so everything had to be made from scratch. It's pretty garish and it doesn't really look that great in real life, but that's more a criticism of the art style than of the people that had to put it all together. To be perfectly honest, the only thing about this movie I can say I unabashedly love is this surprisingly applicable gif:

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. It's bad, but then honestly, what were you expecting? Something good? Something clever, or intelligent in any way? We're talking about a live-action prequel of a live-action adaptation of a cheaply-made cartoon from the 60's that was really nothing more than a blatant rip-off of The Honeymooners, but with more rock puns and sarcastic animals. I try to judge films, not by comparing them to one another, but on whether or not a film accomplishes what it sets out to do. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas wasn't trying to be a well-made movie. It wasn't trying to be witty, or memorable, or charming. All it tried to do was make its money back, and it couldn't even do that. It's not funny, it's not enjoyable, and worst of all, it's not profitable. It's a failure in every sense of the word. But by the same token, I'm never going to get that 91 minutes of my life back, so I suppose I'm the real failure here.